lauritasita wrote on Jul 1, ’08

If I’m not mistaken, I think you told me about this couple. I remember you telling me how difficult this new wife is. Are we thinking of the same people ? I think loneliness due to the loss of a spouse is just as difficult for both a man or a woman. Anyway, it is a great poem.

strongwilledwoman wrote on Jul 1, ’08, edited on Jul 1, ’08

In my experience I find men have a harder time after losing their wives. They are used to going from mother taking care of them to another woman. Men of that age may not have ever cooked, cleaned, done laundry, or even shopped for themselves and often will grab the first woman who will take the reigns.
On the other hand women appear to enjoy their time alone and not having anyone to look after. My dearest and I did everything 50/50 and I miss the heck out of him. I can’t imagine someone filling his shoes, but who knows perhaps someday I will want a companion.

dianahopeless wrote on Jul 1, ’08

Beautiful poem, very sad story, but there is hope for your friend’s future. I just love the bit about planting French lavender and hoping it grows!

sanssouciblogs wrote on Jul 1, ’08

Beautiful poem, very sad story, but there is hope for your friend’s future. I just love the bit about planting French lavender and hoping it grows!

Claudine was born in France. Her parents were holocaust survivors-her mother was hidden from the Nazis by nuns, Hence the allusion to lavender.

vickieann wrote on Jul 1, ’08

My grandparents had been married more than 50 years when grandma died. About 6 months after she was gone, my grandfather showed me a letter that grandma had left for him, telling him to go on with his life and that he should find a new wife but to wait a year so he would be clear headed. He was showing me the letter so I would understand his decision in getting married again and that it was OK with my grandma. My surprise came a month later when he called me and told me that he had married my grandmother’s cousin! She had the same beautiful eyes as my grandma but that was where the resemblance ended as she was greedy and not interested in keeping up grandma’s beautiful flower gardens. She paid someone to plow them under. The marriage lasted about a year and ended in divorce. So, grandma knew my grandfather would need a companion as she knew him inside and out. She also knew he was impulsive and warned him but he didn’t heed the warning. My experience is that it is not necessarily harder for men when their wife dies, just different than when a woman loses a husband.

sanssouciblogs wrote on Jul 1, ’08

My grandparents had been married more than 50 years when grandma died. About 6 months after she was gone, my grandfather showed me a letter that grandma had left for him, telling him to go on with his life and that he should find a new wife but to wait a year so he would be clear headed. He was showing me the letter so I would understand his decision in getting married again and that it was OK with my grandma. My surprise came a month later when he called me and told me that he had married my grandmother’s cousin! She had the same beautiful eyes as my grandma but that was where the resemblance ended as she was greedy and not interested in keeping up grandma’s beautiful flower gardens. She paid someone to plow them under. The marriage lasted about a year and ended in divorce. So, grandma knew my grandfather would need a companion as she knew him inside and out. She also knew he was impulsive and warned him but he didn’t heed the warning. My experience is that it is not necessarily harder for men when their wife dies, just different than when a woman loses a husband.

Great comment and observation. Your grandma knew you grandfather well. And it’s true. You really need to wait  a year to get your bearings. I lost a husband and believe me, your head isn’t screwed on for quite a while. it’s such a shock and a trauma.

vickiecollins wrote on Jul 1, ’08

Oh my, having lost a long time companion, my experience was that at first I didnt want to even think about someone else.  However loneliness does its tolls.
Also please try and wish the couple luck, as you never ever REALLY know what goes on in a relationship.  She may be precisely he needs, and if not, perhaps time will tell on that as well.  I know it is hard, but wish for your friend a happy outcome.  Just because another person is different doesnt necessarily mean they are WRONG>
(smile)
http://vickiecollins.multiply.com/journal/item/390

sanssouciblogs wrote on Jul 1, ’08

Oh my, having lost a long time companion, my experience was that at first I didnt want to even think about someone else.  However loneliness does its tolls.
Also please try and wish the couple luck, as you never ever REALLY know what goes on in a relationship.  She may be precisely he needs, and if not, perhaps time will tell on that as well.  I know it is hard, but wish for your friend a happy outcome.  Just because another person is different doesnt necessarily mean they are WRONG>
(smile)
http://vickiecollins.multiply.com/journal/item/390

Hmmm, she said, whispering to Vickie, “girlfriend, the chick may not be WRONG, but she’s just plain RUDE. 😉 I wish them well, I wish HIM well.

sweetpotatoqueen wrote on Jul 1, ’08, edited on Jul 1, ’08

Poor.poor Richard..settling for a replacement just to fill a spot. While this is about the physical death of a spouse, I often have seen this type of marriage after the emotional toil of divorce. A new partner arrives on the scene who is all too often a stark departure from the previous partner. We wish them well,of course….but the sense of “settling” is quite sad indeed. You “nailed ” this type of couple my dear….I SO know about this & enjoyed your marvelous story telling!

sanssouciblogs wrote on Jul 1, ’08

Poor.poor Richard..settling for a replacement just to fill a spot. While this is about the physical death of a spouse, I often have seen this type of marriage after the emotional toil of divorce. A new partner arrives on the scene who is all too often a stark departure from the previous partner. We wish them well,of course….but the sense of “settling” is quite sad indeed. You “nailed ” this type of couple my dear….I SO know about this & enjoyed your marvelous story telling!

Thanks, Sweetie. It is a strange pair. Well, she makes it strange.

sanssouciblogs wrote on Jul 1, ’08

Thinking that the next edit, I should change the names. The funny thing is that they got married at a place called “Sans Souci”! I scanned the cocktail napkin and made an avatar. 🙂

sanssouciblogs wrote on Jul 1, ’08

If I’m not mistaken, I think you told me about this couple. I remember you telling me how difficult this new wife is. Are we thinking of the same people ? I think loneliness due to the loss of a spouse is just as difficult for both a man or a woman. Anyway, it is a great poem.

Yup, that’s them!

vghozlan wrote on Jul 1, ’08

I am not sure if the timing, would make a difference, if he was happy…but the fact that he looks “dour” makes the timing inappropriate…perhaps, if is as you imply, that loneliness was the prime reason for his re-marriage…the poem is well done…

kwika wrote on Jul 1, ’08

Well the poem really said it all.  I don’t know if men or women suffer more with a death, men are more vulnerable I think…at that age they so need to feel not alone.  Maybe they need someone who knows where to find their odd socks:)

sanssouciblogs wrote on Jul 1, ’08

Well the poem really said it all.  I don’t know if men or women suffer more with a death, men are more vulnerable I think…at that age they so need to feel not alone.  Maybe they need someone who knows where to find their odd socks:)

As the comedienne Roseann Barr once said, “men are always asking us, ‘where’s my this and where’s my that!?’ What do they think we have a radar in our uterus?”
I think you’re right, Bev!

starfishred wrote on Jul 1, ’08, edited on Jul 1, ’08

Well what can I say first a wonderful poem-now why did he marry so soon remember you said she had been sick for a while he probably had been mourning for quit some time even though she was still alive some people do that then some people just don’t do well alone he needed someone there-and maybe he was tired of taking care of someone else and in his new mate he sees someone that takes care of everything for him but who knows what goes on in peoples minds.You know some people act be for they really think and if this was so and the sad look suggests he already knows subconsciously it just hasn’t surfaced yet.I have a few more ideas but later.

sanssouciblogs wrote on Jul 2, ’08, edited on Jul 2, ’08

Well what can I say first a wonderful poem-now why did he marry so soon remember you said she had been sick for a while he probably had been mourning for quit some time even though she was still alive some people do that then some people just don’t do well alone he needed someone there-and maybe he was tired of taking care of someone else and in his new mate he sees someone that takes care of everything for him but who knows what goes on in peoples minds.You know some people act be for they really think and if this was so and the sad look suggests he already knows subconsciously it just hasn’t surfaced yet.I have a few more ideas but later.

“and maybe he was tired of taking care of someone else and in his new mate he sees someone that takes care of everything for him”
Yes, excellent, very true. When I have a moment I will send you some anecdotes you won’t believe.

luluone wrote on Jul 2, ’08

loneliness is the scarriest ghost ever exist. I think the lost of a spouse is hard for both man or woman This is very touching poem, I’d say

lunarechoes wrote on Jul 2, ’08

“Why does he look sad?” That one line says so much.
I also love the storytelling feel of this one. You have a transformative touch.
I think that the issue of who suffers more after losing a spouse will become moot as men and women stop worrying about men and women and just become people, as life goes on and gender roles change. I hope so.

hapiibee wrote on Jul 2, ’08

A sad story wonderfully written. I liked the passages “Everyday before the end, was the end.”…”ghostly fragrance”…”plant French lavander and hope it grows”…
I can relate with Richard. Some memories of love will not go away, and yearning has a way of coming back, like the sea coming back to fill footsteps in the sand …I understand his settling, but not having been in his shoes, am unsure I’d do the same…Thanks for sharing this, Sue.

asolotraveler wrote on Jul 2, ’08

at nearly 61, i can identify with some of this…. but, one must accept what has happened – one simply must move on to the next unfolding phase of one’s life…. even finally leaving marion behind… once and for all – to a new level of peace and acceptance….  at least.

bostonsdandd wrote on Jul 2, ’08

I agree I think it’s harder on a man when a spouse dies. I think it’s all about companionship. A man hates to feel alone. He will go to drastic measures to avoid feeling this emotion. Where women thrive on it because they’ve been the caregivers, men run from it LOL.
LOVED the poem. Again you put me in the wedding and was there watching this take place.

markg1 wrote on Jul 2, ’08

This is why I avoided running into a relationship after the death of my beloved.
I had opportunities, but most of the women wanted to change me, make me over completely, have me forget my beloved and all she had brought about in my life.
This is why I am still cautious when ever anyone comes along and wants to date.
Here is a link to my poem for this week, it is very different, I hope you enjoy it.
http://markg1.multiply.com/journal/item/243/Last_Flight_of_the_American_Volunteer_Group_a_heoic_poem_in_celebration_of_July_4th?

fluffyj wrote on Jul 2, ’08

It sounds like Marion was an incredible perfect woman, perfect life, perfect love.  Trying to fill a void can force us to grasp at anything passing by the opening to keep us from being sucked in and swallowed.  Perhaps this unmoving creature does provide him with a grip on this world, but her differences from the woman he loved with all his heart will only make Marion’s memory sweeter and more precious to him.  If this new woman is so different from his ‘old world,’ that may have been her original attraction for him… He must have been in so much pain.  I hope he finds some healing. or some strength in this new life role. -j

zafreud wrote on Jul 2, ’08

Seeing it as an observer, one could quote various theories on the matter, with the one about the fear of solitude prevailing among them…On the aspect of an acquaintance or a friend, or a relative, I think one could have mixed feelings about this marriage – sorrow for the departed Marion, pity for Richard, reservations for Claudine, without being able – of course – to say that Richard was wrong to proceed on…Trying to see things from the couple’s pints of view, well, this is really difficult, as every person makes a decision under a complex of circumstances, facts, feelings, personal attributes – that’s why we cannot foresee the future of a person or relationship…
So, after all these philosophy, I’d only say that you’ve depicted the couple really vividly and the whole situation eloquently!
Thank you! 🙂

sanssouciblogs wrote on Jul 2, ’08

loneliness is the scarriest ghost ever exist. I think the lost of a spouse is hard for both man or woman This is very touching poem, I’d say

Thanks, Lulu, I think he’s been having a hard time.

sanssouciblogs wrote on Jul 2, ’08

“Why does he look sad?” That one line says so much.
I also love the storytelling feel of this one. You have a transformative touch.
I think that the issue of who suffers more after losing a spouse will become moot as men and women stop worrying about men and women and just become people, as life goes on and gender roles change. I hope so.

Recently I have seen him looking very sad and anxious. I don’t think he is finished mourning. Instead he threw himself into something to move on. The problem I see with many men is that they are virtually inept in the house. All the things a wife does to nurture, take care of, eludes them. They get desperate. They don’t have the skills to feel comfortable alone in their own homes. Many men need mommies!

sanssouciblogs wrote on Jul 2, ’08

A sad story wonderfully written. I liked the passages “Everyday before the end, was the end.”…”ghostly fragrance”…”plant French lavander and hope it grows”…
I can relate with Richard. Some memories of love will not go away, and yearning has a way of coming back, like the sea coming back to fill footsteps in the sand …I understand his settling, but not having been in his shoes, am unsure I’d do the same…Thanks for sharing this, Sue.

Hi and thanks for the comment! Very insightful. I think, as many of us do, that he should have waited until the dust settled–poor Marion’s dust settled. He didn’t date, he just picked the woman near him from work who was available. And pursued her.

sanssouciblogs wrote on Jul 2, ’08

at nearly 61, i can identify with some of this…. but, one must accept what has happened – one simply must move on to the next unfolding phase of one’s life…. even finally leaving marion behind… once and for all – to a new level of peace and acceptance….  at least.

You sound like my husband! He felt that at this age why wait? I agree, but I think it was impulsive. The woman he picked is so not a peaceful person, she causes people to be defensive. She questions you in an arrogant manner, seems to have a pragmatic disorder if you ask me!

sanssouciblogs wrote on Jul 2, ’08

I agree I think it’s harder on a man when a spouse dies. I think it’s all about companionship. A man hates to feel alone. He will go to drastic measures to avoid feeling this emotion. Where women thrive on it because they’ve been the caregivers, men run from it LOL.
LOVED the poem. Again you put me in the wedding and was there watching this take place.

I agree, companionship and nurturing. some need a mommy. Thanks so much as always, dear Lori.

sanssouciblogs wrote on Jul 2, ’08

This is why I avoided running into a relationship after the death of my beloved.
I had opportunities, but most of the women wanted to change me, make me over completely, have me forget my beloved and all she had brought about in my life.
This is why I am still cautious when ever anyone comes along and wants to date.
Here is a link to my poem for this week, it is very different, I hope you enjoy it.
http://markg1.multiply.com/journal/item/243/Last_Flight_of_the_American_Volunteer_Group_a_heoic_poem_in_celebration_of_July_4th?

Mature people wouldn’t demand that you forget your past loves or ditch their pictures. Those people are threatened and jealous of what you had. I hope you find a lovely woman, Mark!

sanssouciblogs wrote on Jul 2, ’08

It sounds like Marion was an incredible perfect woman, perfect life, perfect love.  Trying to fill a void can force us to grasp at anything passing by the opening to keep us from being sucked in and swallowed.  Perhaps this unmoving creature does provide him with a grip on this world, but her differences from the woman he loved with all his heart will only make Marion’s memory sweeter and more precious to him.  If this new woman is so different from his ‘old world,’ that may have been her original attraction for him… He must have been in so much pain.  I hope he finds some healing. or some strength in this new life role. -j

No, she was far from perfect, she gave in a lot, was not a fighter, more passive in giving in to him. He seemed dominant with her. Now he seems passive. Says things like “Claudine will kill me if I do this, that” How infantile, what is that?
I think now he realizes what he had.  It’s such a juxtaposition. It will be interesting to see what happens.

sanssouciblogs wrote on Jul 2, ’08

Seeing it as an observer, one could quote various theories on the matter, with the one about the fear of solitude prevailing among them…On the aspect of an acquaintance or a friend, or a relative, I think one could have mixed feelings about this marriage – sorrow for the departed Marion, pity for Richard, reservations for Claudine, without being able – of course – to say that Richard was wrong to proceed on…Trying to see things from the couple’s pints of view, well, this is really difficult, as every person makes a decision under a complex of circumstances, facts, feelings, personal attributes – that’s why we cannot foresee the future of a person or relationship…
So, after all these philosophy, I’d only say that you’ve depicted the couple really vividly and the whole situation eloquently!
Thank you! 🙂

What an insightful comment, Zaf~ I guess, who are we to say? I am sure there is a connection, affection. It just takes a while to re-acclimate to the changes in your life and to a new person. Thank you!

sanssouciblogs wrote on Jul 2, ’08, edited on Jul 2, ’08

A little anecdote for you all: My husband and I met Richard and Claudine(he calls her “C.W.”) in the supermarket before the wedding. A chance in a million, we don’t live near one another and traveled to get there.
I said hello! R barely responded. They were both preoccupied with shopping as her children were flying up for the wedding. C.W. She ran off with her cart, he was left standing with his cart, looking very anxious. “Where is she?” he said, looking over people’s heads for her–she went to the produce dept. I could see he really looked worried.  I tried to make light of it, “Come on, you LOVE it,” I said–ok so I was a little sarcastic too.
His response: “no I don’t, she’s worse than a 4 year old.”
Get the picture???

sandpearl wrote on Jul 2, ’08

It is often difficult to welcome a new comer who will take the place of a person we appreciated or even loved, as if the memory will be disturbed by that new presence. I think it is normal to feel that way at first, and being ambivalent seems to be a fair consequence. You have well rendered the feelings through your writing. May happiness be with them, and acceptance be your guide.

knightstar wrote on Jul 3, ’08

Thought provoking poem; I love the Klezmer.  If I lost Bonnie, I’m sure, at the age I am now, that I wouldn’t go looking for anyone else.  I might even find someone “better” — but it doesn’t matter, it still won’t be Bonnie.
–M

shankarg wrote on Jul 3, ’08

it is very difficult to put our self in another shoes, but every incident is an endurance tagged to our mind! however at the dearth of loneliness one affords to behave such, as u ended the episode i also wish good luck to the couple, that is the very best at very best of time we can part from our lips, is it not?

millimusings wrote on Jul 3, ’08

Sue you make such wonderful observations of the people around you. Who knows how this will work out  Your couples series is quite a mixture and I am enjoying the poems. Thanks sweet Sue for the visit to mine.

sanssouciblogs wrote on Jul 3, ’08

It is often difficult to welcome a new comer who will take the place of a person we appreciated or even loved, as if the memory will be disturbed by that new presence. I think it is normal to feel that way at first, and being ambivalent seems to be a fair consequence. You have well rendered the feelings through your writing. May happiness be with them, and acceptance be your guide.

Hi, Danielle, thanks for the comment. Things certainly will be…different. We shall see.

sanssouciblogs wrote on Jul 3, ’08

Thought provoking poem; I love the Klezmer.  If I lost Bonnie, I’m sure, at the age I am now, that I wouldn’t go looking for anyone else.  I might even find someone “better” — but it doesn’t matter, it still won’t be Bonnie.
–M

Hi, dear Manfred-I thought the klezmer was cool, too, funny you were the only one who noticed. The clarinet always has an element of laughter against sadness. True, we are all unique and no one can replace anyone. Yet loneliness is a mighty big void to fill. I appreciate the comment!

sanssouciblogs wrote on Jul 3, ’08

Sue you make such wonderful observations of the people around you. Who knows how this will work out  Your couples series is quite a mixture and I am enjoying the poems. Thanks sweet Sue for the visit to mine.

Hi, dear Milli-our mutual admiration society prevails!

sanssouciblogs wrote on Jul 3, ’08

From the Yahoo Universe–what’s left of it…     *  Velvet Chord Progression
Your analysis at the end of your poem is interesting, Sue … it’s really an analysis of your feelings, no?
One thing I do think I know, from personal experience and observations, is that with loss and grief, we can never ever presume we know what someone else is going through. So many people don’t show their real feelings – and seem to be successful at this to a surprising extent – and then suddenly we get glimpses of depths we didn’t even imagine – you know?
Thursday July 3, 2008 – 01:06am (EST
* Shirgy
I also enjoyed the way the story is presented. I guess at his age he will just take her for what she is and put up with it? Some men just have to be married. I fear he will be somewhat unhappy but will make the best of it. I wouldn’t want to have her around me I can tell you!!!!
Wednesday July 2, 2008 – 12:37am (PDT)

* dangerous meredith
I don’t feel i know this couple so i can’t make a judgement. i just enjoyed the story telling and the way this poem so skillfully deposited pictures in my head.

* Cheyanne
This is interesting. I see a couple entering into a doomed relationship. He shows apathy and she shows to be a domineering person who will take advantage of the situation. Passive? Still waters run deep. I think that is merely an outward appearance. The union may last because he is too resigned to the marriage. The union will fail, however, as to a good relationship between man and woman. Unless they make a deliberate effort to change.

gilesy01 wrote on Jul 3, ’08

The music is great. Richard and Marion must ahve been very happily married. I get the impression that only people who were can then move on to find a new person quickly after their spouse dies.

sanssouciblogs wrote on Jul 3, ’08

The music is great. Richard and Marion must ahve been very happily married. I get the impression that only people who were can then move on to find a new person quickly after their spouse dies.

Hi, Giles,
Well, I moved on,(I lost a spouse), but I think the issue here is Claudine and her strange, inappropriate, and rude behavior. She is very tactless and makes everyone defensive and furious.

gilesy01 wrote on Jul 3, ’08

I have a friend whose sister-in-law, who had been married for 30 years or so, died of cancer. Within six months he was dating the next door neighbour from hell, within a year she had moved into his house, and then she spent every opportunity she could annoying all of his late wife’s family and friends over anything and everything. His family’s hostility only seemed to strengthen his resolve, and he married her within two years. He sees very little of his own fmaly now, but in the end it’s their life. I think he’s done it in a way because he never wants toreplace Wife 1 and knows that by doing what he’s done that will never happen.

theoneandonlybill wrote on Jul 5, ’08

A warning to us all and boy do we men need it. In this matter we are putty in their hands so fellows— Keep away from the windows Sorry forgot my poem details lol

sanssouciblogs wrote on Jul 5, ’08

A warning to us all and boy do we men need it. In this matter we are putty in their hands so fellows— Keep away from the windows Sorry forgot my poem details lol

Ok, dear Bill, since you are putty in my hands, are you “Silly Putty”? So happy you joined me here! HUG-KISS-HUG 🙂

theoneandonlybill wrote on Jul 5, ’08

Me Putty? Not now I have double glazed spectacles. Bought them today along with a DIY Blood Pressure kit. It’s the Avatars you know. lol