The story of me and my nemesis, Linksys, manufacturer of routers reappears, and raises its ugly head again.We went wireless about 5 years ago.Shedding tethers seemed the thing to do at the time, and since we have 4-5 computers there had to be a way of getting them all online.Enter Linksys of Cisco Systems.I installed wireless cards where needed, set up the system and felt as free as a bra-burning broad in the 60’s.Until the first time the router crashed.I have spent what may be hundreds of hours of my life dealing with Linksys tech support over the last few years.As Linksys outsources, most of my contacts have been in India, and a number have been in the Philipines.

I am a former educator of hearing, speech and language impaired children; my ear is tuned, fine tuned and blessed with perfect pitch, and as a student of regional dialects, I am pretty good at telling where you are from.But some of my experiences with technicians abroad who are, I might add, often reading from a script, have been enough to push me toward a cochlear transplant.My ears got exhausted from squinting.Accent after accent tested me.“Yesmum,duntvurrymum,nowvevilltry…”

But over and over again, after hour upon hour, technicians got the darn thing up and running again. Configuring, testing, reconfiguring.Until the next time. Dealing with Linksys had become an ongoing part of my life.

Two years ago we were unable to get the wireless signal to reach upstairs so that my son could get on- line. Linksys recommendeda “Range Expander.”I ran out and bought one.I have never been able to get it to work properly and neither has Linksys.I have a pad of notes two inches thick filled with all my contacts and case numbers.

Because Linksys technicians were unable to get my system working properly over the last 2 years, they have exchanged 3 routers and 2 range expanders.The exchange process was a nightmare in and of itself so I won’t even broach the subject; you wouldn’t believe it.Suffice it to say I had to have several talks with corporate headquarters in California, and my pad of notes grew another inch.

This past week my wireless connection was miserable at best.Inconsistent and weak, a connection was virtually impossible.Anyone passing my house since Monday was bound to hear bitching and cursing.Three computers were almost retired–out the window.

In addition, a few blogs back I wrote about what added to last week’s stress:

“a door fell off my kitchen cabinet, the mouse for my laptop went berserk –the cursor ran circles all over the screen, and the thermostat of the air conditioner in the bedroom died. ”

Addto that,anxiety over a medical procedure,a baby raccoon stuck in the bungy-corded garbage can, and upon leaving the hospital Wednesday night, the “check oil” light went on in the car.That ended up a mere $800 sensor replacement or else the catalytic converter was destined to go.Hence, I remarked, “there are poltergeist in my house.”But now they were also in the car.It was the week that was.

Everything got fixed, including me, except the wireless internet connection.Verizon, my internet service provider, insisted I had a “fine signal” coming into the house.The computer wired into the router on the main floor was getting on-line without a major issue.It was the computers upstairs that were doin’ the cha-cha: on-off-on-on-off.

I called Linksys tech support for the umpteenth time and finally found J.B., a competent technician with whom I spent 4 hours, around a lunch break, and we tested every permutation of setting up the old range expander to try to boost the signal upstairs.I told him I had the same issue over and over again.The range expander kept defaulting to factory settings once I set the encryption to protect the system.(Encryption prevents other computers within range from tapping into your signal).

The technician thanked me;I had found a productflaw for the company.He was going to set up a meeting and research the issue with the top technicians. In the meantime he figured out another way to secure my system and got it running.We thought.

He promised to call me the next day to check on the settings and how things were working.I spoke to his supervisor and commended him, extolled him.I was so thankful to get the system to finally work. We hung up.So did the set up I had just spent hours on.I tried to call him back.I reached India instead of the Philippines.I had no more strength to deal with the issue especially since this new technician told me the router and range expander were “incompatible.”So return after return, call after call, no one seemed to be on the same page at Linksys.

I gave up for a day.I was baffled, disgusted and ready to go out and buy pencils, paper and a flock of carrier pigeons.The technician didn’t call me back until 2 days later, at the same time I was calling Linksys for a final hurrah.We concurred that we had tried everything.We gave up on the range expander, now a $100 relic, and I was starting to get anxious.What was my wireless fate?

Well, I had a “G” router, why not get the “N series” with a range big enough for “yacht clubs”? I am starting to feel hopeful.And then J.B. added, “It doesn’t have to be Linksys.”So what have we here? A Linksys technician nudging and winking as he says from thousands of miles away, that maybe I should move on?That our relationship was up to me?

Off I run to Staples, an office supply chain, and I am greeted by Elissa, a young geek in her red Staples shirt, willing to assist me.She is slightly awkward, but knows her stuff.She steers me away from Linksys, away from anything with “Cisco Industries” written on it, and promises that Netgear is the answer to all my problems.“It sets itself up, you seem to have a fiber optic modem built into your system, bladdy, yadda, yadda, I’m out the door with it, $140 later.

It’s out of the box, I’m setting it up. I know the configuration address by heart: 192.168.1.1.

I should get this number tattooed on my butt.

I follow the directions.

It doesn’t work.

I call tech support.Now I’m back in India, with another company and another guy reading a script.Maybe he works next door to the Linksys guys.Maybe they just took a break of King Fisher Pale Ale and spicy samosas.Maybe the Netgear guys and the Linksys guys play cricket together after work.Maybe I want to kill myself.

He insists I need a modem. I never used one with the fiber optic cable. I believe it’s built into the box in the wall.He puts me on hold.Talks to the guy next to him.Comes back.We try to configure the system. The router gets a signal but the computers aren’t reading them.“That’s because you don’t have a modem.”I give up.I am ready to cry. Or to get on a plane to India and at least have a beer with the guys.

Instead I go back to Staples.“Elissa,” I plead.“Help me.”She eyes me cautiously.I am wearing a tee shirt that says, “Calm, Serene, Peace;” my tech support mantra.

She says there are only DSL (not my system) modems.She gets an impish smile on her face and her eyes stare to heaven as she problem solves behind her nerdy glasses.“Call Verizon.”

It’s close to 6 P.M. on Saturday. I’m tired and hungry and fed up, not with food, obviously.I go home.

I approach the new router.I do a double take.Four colored lights are ablaze like a little Christmas tree.

I am having a religious experience.One by one, the computers catch the signal, all the way upstairs, 50 feet away.With strength with dignity, with class, with wireless.

I must have configured something correctly with the guy in Bombay and modem or not, it took hold.Elissa was right, the router configured itself. Eventually. The modem was probably built into the wall.

So where do we stand now? The baby raccoon is back with his mom, my laptop cursor is now behaving, the door is back on the kitchen cabinet, my health is ok, the sensors have been replacedin the car, the air conditioner has a new thermostat.

My computers are back on-line. And so you can read this blog.

The technopoltergeists have been banished.For now, I am at peace.

Say It Isn’t So/Hall & Oates
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