I was on the table out cold at 8:00 and awake at 8:30

Kid Yippie! Leaving for Brown U. August 31st and will be in Providence and environs through September 4th.

Message welcome on cell

Finally, the surgery would be over and I would start radiation after we returned from bringing  Evan, still oblivious to what was going on, to the beginning of his college years.  On September 1, we packed a rented van and drove to Providence, Rhode Island, and checked into a Bed & Breakfast where we planned to stay for a few days while setting up Evan in his room.  Finally a little vacation.  Dr. Chen had my cell phone number and was to call me with the test results. 

My husband and I tried to relax before he went back to work.  We drove to a farmers’ market near a beach.  I was there in body but my mind was wandering.  I think I bought a bar of olive oil soap.  We were about to leave and were sitting in the van when I decided to use the bathroom; my cell phone rang and I didn’t get to it in time.  It was Dr. Chen.  I was unable to reach her, her office was closed, and I was beginning to get a funny feeling in my gut.

Saturday morning at the B&B, I was alone in the room—my husband had already gone to breakfast.  My cell phone rang.  It was Dr. Chen.  “Sue,” she said, “I couldn’t get it all, I am so sorry.  I tried to get a clear margin, but couldn’t.  That means there are more areas of suspicion.” I could hear her baby crying in the back seat of her car;  I think she was on her way to the supermarket.

“I am going to have to recommend a mastectomy.  I am so sorry.  Are you ok?”

I remember standing at the bed—it was so high, it came up to my waist. Maybe higher.  Now I knew I was in danger, that it was bigger than I imagined.  No lump.  Just cells that could kill me if I didn’t do this.  “I’m fine,” I said, “everything is going to be alright.”  I walked into breakfast like a zombie.

What is it about breasts? Men kill for them, women have them enlarged, reduced. They are coveted. Girls prefer to get breast implants as high school graduation presents rather than a car. What is the fixation?

I looked at myself in the mirror. What was once a “perfect set” is now unbalanced, a size different. My right side is scarred. My nipple is pale and sad and has a small crust-like dot. This is what I was born with. What boys lusted after, what husbands fondled, what my child found sustenance and comfort from. Women define their femininity by breasts; they are a marker. They say, “WOMAN.” They get sore when we menstruate, they sag as we age, they get smooshed into Wonder Bras, they become shelves thanks to Victoria’s Secret.

I was going to lose one. So now, who am I? I am going to join the league of the elderly uni-breasted women from my memory of Brighton Beach Baths. Why am I thinking about this, I have cancer?

I go back to Dr. Chen and ask her, if we could “go in” one more time, clean out one more time, knowing full well what the answer will be. She says she could, but she wouldn’t sleep at night. I complain that my nipple is itching and she tells me not to worry—that it’s coming off.

I want to keep it.

She sends me to Dr. Alex Keller, a plastic surgeon who specializes in breast reconstruction after a mastectomy.  This is now part of the procedure and a woman is entitled to be reconstructed. Insurance is supposed to pay for it. it is now done at the time of mastectomy.

Insurance does not fully cover Dr. Keller’s procedure which is new, complicated, but ultimately the healthy way to go. He does not believe in implants, which is often protocol, as they can cause complications and rejection. His DIEP procedure is  a “tummy tuck;” removal of the abdominal fat, the use of abdominal skin for patching. Dr. Chen will do the mastectomy; remove the inside of my breast. Dr Keller will refill what was scooped out with my abdominal fat and recreate my breast. Scoop and refill. Sounds reasonable. It almost sounds not so bad. It’s still me, but rearranged.

It will be over $25,000. Most of it will not be covered, but eventually my catastrophic insurance will kick in and I would recoup the money. But it was enough to put a huge strain on us considering we had a large monthly tuition bill. Still, I am starting to breathe easier. The operation requires hours of microsurgery. All kinds of migrated parts have to be reformed and reconnected. It is estimated to take about 8 hours.      

It took closer to 12.

“I put the visions of the old, wet, one breasted, gray haired women in the shower room, to the recesses of memory for many years. Until one day in a doctor’s office. September 30, 2004

I would stand naked in front of a plastic surgeon.  He was drawing maps on my body with a marker.  Along my stomach, around my breast.  I was a canvas for what looked like football plays.  Red, blue, green and black, arrows up and down. My abdomen would display the line of scrimmage.  The center of my chest, the “neutral zone.”  I was set for the play.

The next day I would be in the hospital early in the morning.

I was going to lose my right breast.

I had cancer.”

I prayed I was going to wake up.

On to Part 7

Part 7: The Nipplemania Newsletter/Falling Off The Face of the Earth

69. Series: Part 7:The Nipplemania Newsletter:Falling Off The Face of the Earth

Yahoo  Comments

• Frank

Sue, I saw on TV the other day where a woman after implants had problems where scaring was happening, she tried everything and had them removed, both of them, then she researched and found a Dr. that would use part of her upper buttocks to create new brests, just a thought as an option to real breasts, they would be real as they are part of the person.Any thoughts on that ?

Tuesday October 2, 2007 – 10:26am (CDT)

• Sans …

Hi, Frank, it’s the same theory that my doctor uses: if it’s part of you, it won’t be rejected. There is no foreign element introduced into the body so it should be fine. They take the fat where they are best able to harvest it. Yes implants can cause BIG problems!

Tuesday October 2, 2007 – 11:39am (EDT)

• Fuzzy…

You are so brave to write this down for us to read. Hopefully it will give other women who are or will face this hope and reassurance.

Tuesday October 2, 2007 – 11:49am (EDT)

• Afshe…

Hi sue you are a real ‘health fighter.’you makes life more easy and useful.

Tuesday October 2, 2007 – 08:57pm (PKT)

• DaniB…

Your story is gripping. The details are not gory, you make them sound almost exciting. It all makes marvellous sense, thanks to that magnificent gift you have: a sense of humour.

Tuesday October 2, 2007 – 06:11pm (CEST)

• sugar…

Aaaarrrrugh….”we did not get a clear margin”  WHAT?????
Oh, man that is what’s frustrating me. You muster up the courage and energy to go in for another surgery only to be told….”we did not get a clear margin”….(sigh, lowering my head and slowly shaking it left to right)

Tuesday October 2, 2007 – 11:49am (CDT)

• Frida…

What I really liked about this post is that breast cancer has a deep psychological impact related to gender identity, and you spoke very clearly about it in this entry. Not only a body part is threatened, but a body part that is central, deeply ingrained in self-image, or in SELF itself. “I am a woman”, is what our breasts spell. It is a huge threat to the integrity of the person.
Keep on writing, dear!   🙂

Tuesday October 2, 2007 – 12:44pm (CDT)

• Laurita

I’m glad you made it to three years ! You are a great inspiration to other women that may be going through this now. That reminds me…I’m due to set up my mammogram appointment. It’s good that you caught this early enough. I love you, sis.

Tuesday October 2, 2007 – 02:39pm (EDT)

• * Ste…

Tears are mixed with great admiration for your strength and example.

Tuesday October 2, 2007 – 04:31pm (EDT)

• Nicho…

An apt offering for October, this personal journal contextualises the cancer for someone like me, who sees the disease from another perspective, down the microscope lenses and the biopsy slides. Thank you for sharing this traumatic journey with us. I have written a story that I know you have read, but which visitors to your blog may like to look at:

Wednesday October 3, 2007 – 08:09am (EST)

• redhe…

(((Hugs))) The way you describe the conversations, the roller coaster of it all, the internal turmoil you suffered — I feel honestly as if I’m there with you. You must have been terrified on so many levels. Thank you again for sharing with us, and I’ll be back to continue your journey with you my brave friend. Many, many hugs!!!!

Tuesday October 2, 2007 – 09:57pm (EDT)

• Manju…

Hug

Wednesday October 3, 2007 – 11:08pm (SGT)

• Lori

I can’t quit crying for you LOL. The pain you have endured through all this. I know you’re okay now, but OMG what you must have gone through. And, as a writer and a blogger not to mention a woman, I KNOW this isn’t the whole story. You have more bravery than any PERSON I know. Thank you for sharing this and can’t wait to read the rest of it. May today be filled with roses of your favorite color, my friend!

Thursday October 4, 2007 – 10:43am (CDT)

• Haden…

This is a good thing for anyone to see if it is in their future. I applaud you for taking the time to do this. I’m learning more about you. Your quite a Gal

Friday October 5, 2007 – 09:54pm (VUT)

• *¸.•

sorry honey, i know it is something you will never get over but you are HERE!!!

Sunday October 7, 2007 – 07:03pm (EDT)

• Lex

The procedure sounds like a great breakthrough. It’s not using any foreign part inside the patient’s body. So it should be save. At least, theoretically.
But I’ve visited the link you’ve provided to that doctor, and I think he really knows what he’s talking about. There’ll be many women in this world would have a much better chance to cure beautifully again. Thx so much for this info. I learned a lot. (^O^)v

Tuesday October 16, 2007 – 09:43pm (ICT)

Tags:about me, breast cancer, life

 

nemo4sun wrote on Oct 5, ’08 (((hug)))

 

pestep55 wrote on Oct 5, ’08 You are incredible!

 

philsgal7759 wrote on Oct 5, ’08 you are so brave both to experience it and to relive it

 

danceinsilence wrote on Oct 5, ’08 This is the first of your installments I’ve had a chance to read. I am so reminded of 1989. I met a 911 operator in Kentucky, rather attractive, witty, sharp as a tack, but the beginning between us was shaky. Why? She had had a double mastectomy. She wasn’t dating, she wasn’t active beyond her work, and basically she shut out the world, she didn’t feel like a woman should about herself. Needless to say, this was my first ever experience with this, and at first I was taken aback by it all. I had all the reserved questions I didn’t know how to ask. I was confused. Women just don’t go around flatter than flat. I can’t remember what you call them, but she had contoured breast inserts to place inside her bra then to give the appearance of being full breasted. After about a month of off and on again talks, she finally agreed to have dinner with me, and we talked. I really wanted to get to know her. After dinner, we went on a walk and that’s when she told me, and when those questions inside my head formed. But, to make this short, I was still interested. It wasn’t her chest that drew me in, it was her essence. I could see vitality underneath the mask she wore around everyone. Eventually we dated more and more, then, I guess it was about five months after, I never saw her again. She left this world. It was such a tragic, needless loss. I look back now and then, wonder where we may have been at today, and can’t answer that question either. One thing I do know, until one has been there, there is never a full understanding of what runs through a person’s mind, be it one or both breasts removed. Regardless of the new medical advances, a part of you (woman) has been taken away. A portion of vitality and sexuality … gone. In doing so, it takes away a portion of feelings of the self. That is why it is vital to have that continued support of family, close friends to silently if not vocally instill the continued love and understanding, not the camplacentness or “you poor baby” syndrome. I commend you, respect you even more than before. Walk tall Sue, walk proud girly girl … you got it going on. Huggers, Bill

 

vickieann wrote on Oct 5, ’08 I’m thankful you are here to tell your story of courage. Your strength to carry on, get your son off to college, boggles my thinking. How did you do it?

 

sanssouciblogs wrote on Oct 5, ’08 danceinsilence said This is the first of your installments I’ve had a chance to read. I am so reminded of 1989. I met a 911 operator in Kentucky, rather attractive, witty, sharp as a tack, but the beginning between us was shakey. Why? She had had a double mastectomy. She wasn’t dating, she wasn’t active beyond her work, and basically she shut out the world, she didn’t feel like a woman should about herself. Needless to say, this was my first ever experience with this, and at first I was taken aback by it all. I had all the reserved questions I didn’t know how to ask. I was confused. Women just don’t go around flatter than flat. I can’t remember what you call them, but she had contoured breast inserts to place inside her bra then to give the appearance of being full breasted. After about a month of off and on again talks, she finally agreed to have dinner with me, and we talked. I really wanted to get to know her. After dinner, we went on a walk and that’s when she told me, and when those questions inside my head formed. But, to make this short, I was still interested. It wasn’t her chest that drew me in, it was her essence. I could see vitality underneath the mask she wore around everyone. Eventually we dated more and more, then, I guess it was about five months after, I never saw her again. She left this world. It was such a tragic, needless loss. I look back now and then, wonder where we may have been at today, and can’t answer that question either. One thing I do know, until one has been there, their is never a full understanding of what runs through a person’s mind, be it one or both breasts removed. Regardless of the new medical advances, a part of you (woman) has been taken away. A portion of vitality and sexuality … gone. In doing so, it takes away a portion of feelings of the self. That is why it is vital to have that continued support of family, close friends to silently if not vocally instill the continued love and understanding, not the camplacentness or “you poor baby” syndrome. I commend you, respect you even more than before. Walk tall Sue, walk proud girly girl … you got it going on. Huggers, Bill Thanks for gittin’ here pardner! I hope more men read, too. We are all in this together one way or another. And thankfully, reconstruction is covered by insurance and is done at the time of the mastectomy. “I commend you, respect you even more than before.” Thanks, littler Buckeroo, thanks so much. 🙂

 

sanssouciblogs wrote on Oct 5, ’08 vickieann said I’m thankful you are here to tell your story of courage. Your strength to carry on, get your son off to college, boggles my thinking. How did you do it? And I am so happy to hae people tell me I’ve made a difference. Thank you for reading, thanks so much.

 

zafreud wrote on Oct 6, ’08, edited on Oct 6, ’08 I couldn’t stop reading on and on, Sue! Emotions came up to my throat and are still suffocating me, as your way of narrating things and your reactions are really sweeping! They have also reminded me of my little – oh, so much less in severeness than yours!!! – medical adventures…The comparison is overwhelming: I admire your courage!!! I guess, when something so serious happens to someone, it’s not always fully conceivable, until the whole thing is over. I believe it’s then that one’s mind has deeply absorbed the facts and is trying to put up with the whole situation…If this procedure isn’t conducted well, then a kind of “meta-trauma syndrome” occurs…I know that after 5 years of constant examinations, a myomectomy and various scanning appointments – in order for my other conditions to be determined – I didn’t even want to pass outside a hospital or a doctor’s office…When I had to, I would always muffle my soul and keep my mind functioning in the foreground, so that I could go through a simple routine appointment…It’s only some months ago that those two (my mind and soul) gradually started co-operating again… Bearing this in mind, I’d like to salute you for having endured all these with success!!! P.S.: Please, open up the next post (part 7), so that I can read it (Multiply keeps showing a “private post” message whenever I click on the link to it). Thank you! 🙂

 

sanssouciblogs wrote on Oct 6, ’08 zafreud said I couldn’t stop reading on and on, Sue! Emotions came up to my throat and are still suffocating me, as your way of narrating things and your reactions are really sweeping! They have also reminded me of my little – oh, so much less in severeness than yours!!! – medical adventures…The comparison is overwhelming: I admire your courage!!! I guess, when something so serious happens to someone, it’s not always fully conceivable, until the whole thing is over. I believe it’s then that one’s mind has deeply absorbed the facts and is trying to put up with the whole situation…If this procedure isn’t conducted well, then a kind of “meta-trauma syndrome” occurs…I know that after 5 years of constant examinations, a myomectomy and various scanning appointments – in order for my other conditions to be determined – I didn’t even want to pass outside a hospital or a doctor’s office…When I had to, I would always muffle my soul and keep my mind functioning in the foreground, so that I could go through a simple routine appointment…It’s only some months ago that those two (my mind and soul) gradually started co-operating again… Bearing this in mind, I’d like to salute you for having endured all these with success!!! P.S.: Please, open up the next post (part 7), so that I can read it (Multiply keeps showing a “private post” message whenever I click on the link to it). Thank you! 🙂 Thanks, Zafiria, thanks so much, I know exactly what you are saying. There are many types of pain and they’re all valid, so don’t diminish your experiences and conditions. I’ve been linking a post a day and I accidentally linked 2 yesterday, but I’ll do the next one, gladly. I am so glad you are reading and getting something from the posts. Stay with me. I am honored! xo

 

sanssouciblogs wrote on Oct 6, ’08 vickieann said I’m thankful you are here to tell your story of courage. Your strength to carry on, get your son off to college, boggles my thinking. How did you do it? You know, it’s a strange thing. I felt that my son couldn’t do anything for me, and all I would do would be to create more anxiety. I dealt with it and did what I had to do. I think it’s somewhere in one of the posts–so hang in there and thanks for all your love and support.