95. Mother-Daughter Journey: Loss: On Parents and Pets
Ampersand and Play as new rescues
Caramel and Ampersand
Two of the formerly ferals:
Ampersand, getting a leg up on his mom, Caramel (aka Mellie Petunia)
Ampersand and mother, Caramel
Need to tell you …
To all my loving sensitive friends who left me words of kindness, THANK YOU. I usually thank everyone individually, consider this to YOU.
YOU are the ones who get that animals ARE members of the family, that they have tremendous impacts on us, that they are sentient, that they change our lives.
YOU are the ones who get that animals ARE members of the family, that they have tremendous impacts on us, that they are sentient, that they change our lives.
I have been going through the lousiest of times since January, mostly dealing with my mother’s needs and with my mother, now 99, who goes through cyclical periods of “delirium.”
The loss of my kitty helped me let loose: I cried for his loss and sneaked in the pending loss of my mother. At this point, really, how much time can a 99 year old have? I dwell on that.
I observed a decline in my kitty, slowly over a couple of months. His body began to change, his eating was affected. He’d sniff at the favorite foods that he’d used to gobble and walk away.
I could say that he just got old. Old like my mother. But there was something else going on. Something hidden and insidious, growing and causing him to suffer silently and go back to old behaviors of trying to tell me: I AM SICK.
My mother’s behaviors are parallel. Food complaints, health issues, though minor.
Watching aging and illness from afar is devastating, it had a profound affect on me. But somehow, someway, holding my kitty, Ampersand, while on the examining table, atop his kitty towel as he was being euthanized (while the vet went bonkers from grief: he had tried but what he had been treating was a cover for a hidden mass) taught me some things: I was part, again, of the cycle of things, I was in a reality situation that tested me and I passed, as THIS was a first for me. It reminded me of my strength and resilience, it lifted a burden which was replaced by grief, it let ME go. It showed me that after a long life to release one from pain is a blessing for the pained and the observer.
I just stood there and cradled my cat. His head weighed on my arm. He was still there but had left. He was released. His passing was beautiful. I drenched him in my tears. In life, he was a fearful soul who never let me lift him or kiss him. Now I could.
The process has begun, I am moving on.
Ampersand’s mother, Caramel, is eating better and even more affectionate, even a bit clingy.
Now, to my mother. I have to prepare for a repeat loss that won’t be as easy as holding a kitty on a table. But, I have already lost my mother to her age and the behaviors that go with them. Sometimes I can see her in her small, frail body: in glimpses of her younger voice which turns on and off in my memories. She is still with me but not: More and more angry, frustrated, sad, enraged, accusatory.
Many hugs… and keep loving.
my heart goes out to you Sue, such a difficult and destined page in the Book of Life. My experience, the pain is proportional to the joy.
My tears added
I’m also so sorry for your loss. I’m so glad to read about your experience as I’m preparing for this with Fraser. So difficult to love because of loss. My love is with you.
Oh, Sue, I’m so sorry to hear about Ampersand. That little critter could not have had a better human. Your true love for kitties has always shone through….I can still remember how you would go and spend time visiting with other kitties in their cages years ago…you are a special person, and now little Ampersand is watching over you.
Sending you hugs, my friend….
Phyllis
So sorry to hear this Susan
What an amazing cat whisperer you are
And how many cat lives you have saved.
You are truly a champion for others
So sorry to hear of your painful loss Susan. My heart is with you. With love. Susan 2
I’m so sorry about your loss. I know how much you loved Ampersand.
Thank you, Sue, for letting go. It is hard, it brings heavy sadness, but it is the beginning of a new phase. Look forward to it, darling: you are one in a million.
Dying is part of living. Letting go is difficult. Guilt free grief is rare but possible. Forgiving self is a must. Grieving is a must. Love is painful. But all we need is love!! Xoxo I😿😿😿🌹🌺🥀🥀🥀🌈❤️💛💚💙💜💔❤️💛💚💙💜
so sorry sue for you to lose ampersand who was a double for my beloved cat of many years ago. you were an amazing cat-mom and are an amazing daughter of your mom. be kind and gentle with yourself now and always.