67. Series: Part 5: And It Stoned Me
The cookie I received in my goodie bag, months alter, at the Cancer Survivor’s Day Celebration: keynote speaker: Fran Drescher
My husband and I went to meet with Dr. Chen to explore options. She pulled out charts, my husband made notes. She asked me if I was ok. I saw her eyes tear up. My gynecologist came in from down the hall, she teared up. All I can say was, “don’t worry, everything is going to be ok.”
I was consoling my doctors.
I’d have to be marked with the needles again, she would do another lumpectomy to get a clear margin. She would remove my sentinel lymph nodes which she was sure hadn’t been affected. Well, that’s something good. I’d have radiation and maybe chemotherapy.
It’s easier to read my emails…
“7/21/04
To someone who is dear to me,
I am writing this letter to a group of people so I am not addressing it to “you;” it is easier for me to write this once and not deal with the phone. I am writing to share some unpleasant information which I hope will have a positive culmination.
I found out the day before my second retirement party (7/15), subsequent to surgery the week before, that I am in the early stages of breast cancer. As stunning as that is, and as ironic as the timing is, I am confident that I will come out of this ok.
Depending on my next mammo at the beginning of August, the recommendation will be a lumpectomy with radiation, (there actually is no lump, but the indicator of a calcification in a strange place revealed a blocked duct–the lining is cancerous. They now have to go in and clean the margin.) OR if they see an abundance of these calcifications which the radiologist alluded that I have, the recommendation will be a mastectomy.
It’s too much for me to digest at this time. We just came back from the surgery follow-up. I am trying to make sense of it all, but also trying not to dwell too much. (Yeah try that one!)
But please understand that whatever the surgical outcome I will be fine. Because I have to be and I will be!
Do not put off any medical appointments!!! I have no history of cancer in the family. More and more women are getting this. Probably environmental.
We are leaving tomorrow for Mass. and will be away for about 5 days. Please don’t leave any wordy phone messages as I am not telling Evan; I want him to sail off to school without a worry.
Please keep me in your prayers.”
The next day we left for vacation in Massachusetts, but my head wouldn’t vacate. Somebody should invent a head that can be turned off. Why do these things happen before a nice event?
“8/12 Gearing Up For Surgery
Just gearing up for surgery tomorrow. I know everything will be fine, they are all excellent. I go to long Island Jewish/North Shore. The surgeon is Doctor Marie Chen, she’s young, hip and fine. The radiologist is also a woman and left no cyst unturned when I had the follow-up mammo. I go to the Women’s Comprehensive Care Center affiliated with both hospitals and most of the doctors are women which I like.
But in all I just kind of feel like I am floating in limbo. I am so glad I have retired and don’t have the pressure of returning to work. So many changes.
Next Friday we are leaving for another mini-vacation to the Bard college area for 5 days. Concerts, culinary, friends meeting us, last vacation with Evan.
I’ll let you know how it goes.”
On August 13, 2004 I went back to the hospital for the scheduled procedure. The scar is reopened. A new scar appears under my arm where my lymphnodes are removed.
“8/13 Captain Ahab Prevails
To my dear friends and my sis,
Just to let you know the latest in this continuing surreal saga: I am ok; we were in the hospital from 9 a.m. to almost 6 p.m. A very long and drawn out day but I am relieved to say they told me “it went very well,” 3 lymph nodes were biopsied and are CLEAR and I will have the rest of the results on Wed.
Me in the operating room with huge harpoon sticking out of my right breast: “I feel like Moby!”
The nurses and doctors: “Moby who?, oh the whale.”
Me with my harpoon: Must be Moby Boob ’cause it ain’t
Moby Dick.”
At that point I think my doctor peed.
“8/18/04
Dearest Support-System: (Group letter, please pardon the informality)
I have just gotten off the phone with the surgeon; as you know, she was looking for clear margins and was excising a new area. The new area biopsy yielded a small tumor which no one had seen! I believe that margin is clear. The old site yielded cancerous cells above/at the new margin. They will have to go in for a third time but I will not have to have a mastectomy. So even though the lymph nodes were unaffected, there is still an issue. Happily, I won’t have to be speared again!
So, we are leaving for Bard College this Friday (20th) morning, returning on Monday. Surgery will be booked for Thursday or Friday of the following week, recup the best I can and get Evan packed and off to Brown on the 31st. School starts on Sept. 1. We will stay up there and catch our breaths, returning September 5th.
Evan still doesn’t know.
Thanks to all for all the positive wishes and good energy and for being there for me!”
We went on another mini-vacation to the Hudson Valley, for culture, concerts and farm stands.
I never told my son. He was a late sleeper in the summer—we would just sneak off early in the mornings of surgery, and return in the afternoon in time for me to make dinner. I didn’t want to worry him, or my elderly mother.
So while on vacation I locked myself in the bathroom and took off the bandage. I had a huge wound and scar across my right breast, which was already looking maimed. The nipple was turning white and was getting itchy. There was a wound under my arm pit that burned from perspiration. I re-bandaged myself. Turned on the water. Hoped no one could hear me, and cried.
But there had been another phone call. Dr. Chen couldn’t get a clear margin. I would have to go into the hospital again on August 27th. I had less than a week to get myself back together and get Evan packed up to school.
I am trying to process: I have retired. My son has graduated. He is leaving for college. I have cancer.
I have to go into the hospital again.
Comments
I like what you’ve done with the cookies…hahahaha
Perhaps so much happening at once kept you moving forward, there was no time to really sit and fall-apart. Except for the occasional running water in the shower cry. Cleansing, inside and out.
Monday October 1, 2007 – 01:57pm (CDT)
I can’t find the right words. I love my sister.
Monday October 1, 2007 – 03:02pm (EDT)
This series brought back the time my mother showed us her scar from her breast removal. She wanted us to not be afraid of what we knew but couldn’t see. I guess the power of the unknown being more frightening than the truth. I’ve never forgotten that. She was very down to earth about it, talking to us about the new bra she was going to buy so that we became comfortable with talking about it.
Tuesday October 2, 2007 – 08:44am (NZDT)
Scars are the maps of our recovery, we can read so much in those, all the stress, the sleepless nights, the fears and pain we survived in silence.
Monday October 1, 2007 – 12:58pm (MST)
I can fully understand the severe impact this medical crises has caused you..glad with time your prognosis improves..but when you enter your senior years and enter the community of the population who have had equivalent or even worst physical impairment you will find your condition less significant.~~Papa
Monday October 1, 2007 – 04:05pm (PDT)
I know that Brest cancer is so scary when you first go thru it,I had other surgeries on my right breast also. I think you did a good job,I don’t know how you did dinner and all that, I was out another day!
Monday October 1, 2007 – 07:06pm (EDT
Words elude me………..I read your words, I follow your journey. ((((hugs))))
Monday October 1, 2007 – 08:57pm (EDT)
Sis, what can I say? You’re the BEST!!! A strong woman with a sense of humor might just save the universe someday.
Moby Boob vs. Moby Dick? I’ll lay odds on who’ll win!!!!
(HUGS)
Monday October 1, 2007 – 06:01pm (PDT)
Oh, dear Sue. It must have been so hard. But I am glad you had your husband and your support group you emailed. Just now I remember a movie I watched. I don’t know the name, either in Spanish or English. But it was centred on only one character, portrayed by Emma Thompson. She was an English teacher who lived alone and about her cancer experience.
I am glad you were not alone.
Something impressive is you didn’t have a breast cancer history. I have always been very casual about Mammographies because of that. Yet… we never know.
Hugs for you! Brave girl! 🙂
Monday October 1, 2007 – 08:42pm (CDT)
You have a way with words,WE feel,but none of Us we’ll know ,what you are going ,thru ,unless their journey was the same like Your, To A Beautiful Lady,with a Heart of Gold, May The Lord Jesus Christ,put his hand upon You,and Grant You ,,Your Health,,You So Desire,,,and WE All Pray for Your Recovery and in Great Health,To A nEW fRiend!!
Monday October 1, 2007 – 06:48pm (PDT)
You keep making me cry! This seems to be a day for that in 360 land. What you did with the cookies is so creative, and so expressive. I agree with Astra — you have an amazing wit and sense of humour, and it’s clear that you gave courage to everybody around you, even though you were the one going through this. I can’t imagine what a roller coaster this must have been for you, and the strain of keeping a brave face for your son and your mother. You truly amaze me. I wish I had half your courage!
I think, with your brilliant writing talent, that it is especially important for you to tell your story. You very well may save a life with it, or more than one. I know it has left a real impact on me. Thank you for taking us along my dear friend. Many hugs!!!
Monday October 1, 2007 – 10:21pm (EDT)
You have made this journey with such dignity & a sense of humor that remains intact! I don’t think you realize how important it is for those of us with friends going through this dilemma to really try and listen to this tale you are unfolding. We can never really grasp the hold such a life event has on another but we can try and gently accompany and support those who have breast cancer to the other side of remission and cure. Thank you,my friend, for sharing this most personal journey with us. Bless you!
Monday October 1, 2007 – 10:49pm (EDT)
Your writing makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time…..now that rarely happens. Would like to continue reading and be part of this harrowing journey you’ve been through but before that do fast-forward and tell us you are doing fine now!!
Tuesday October 2, 2007 – 11:08am (SGT)
This series is a bitter and sweet unfolding of a very trying time of your life. I simply want to thank you for sharing it and for being a beacon of hope and inspiration to all your blogger friends. Your honesty is very touching; and for some reason, reading this makes me feel better already. Hugs to you my dear friend.
Monday October 1, 2007 – 09:23pm (PDT)
I think your sense of humor is critical in helping you cope. Who else would joke about Moby Boob in the operating room? You also have a strong support group…I’m glad. Thanks so much for sharing this…it was very touching and honest.
Tuesday October 2, 2007 – 01:51am (EDT)
Susan, you are a brave woman, a lively memoirist and an exceptional human being. With every new post I learn something about life and its values. I am grateful our paths crossed and I’m going to write to you about another issue we have in common. Be always as you are.
Tuesday October 2, 2007 – 09:16am (CEST)
Just letting you know I’m here…following the journey..
Tuesday October 2, 2007 – 06:51pm (EST)
Hi Susan,Be safe by knowledge and information ,But be healthy and be well by care.May God Bless you in all your ways.A Sincere Smile is the most precious wealth in the world,so please always keep smiling.
Tuesday October 2, 2007 – 02:00pm (PKT
Liebe Sue you are so good at expresing yourself and I am so proud that you are able to write so clearly and profoundly about your experience.What can one add except good show old girl and.Life can really throw us curves can’t it and we will rise up to meet it because we are survivors and what do survivors do best wellll SURVIVE right.Thanks for the nice note and yes I will keep reading and yes even this shall pass right.I suppose since I survived 3 years since my hubby’s death I WILL survive 4weeks in San Francisco after all what better place to get stuck right.Thanks for helping me my friend.
Tuesday October 2, 2007 – 06:26am (PDT)
I am here following this remarkable journey of yours with my fellow travelers on lifes unfore seen highways. I leave you with my Faith in Your Great Attitude of Survival.
Tuesday October 2, 2007 – 09:33pm (WST)
You must have been at your wits end Sue and so scared asnd out of control HUGS I can feel your pain as I read then and now. It doesn’t go away EVER just hurts less
Tuesday October 2, 2007 – 11:53am (EDT)
- Sans …
Offline
Scared, oh yes! I didn’t sleep for weeks! weeks, that alone was stress, that exhaustion. Out of control, no, not really, but one’s head goes wild with fear. I couldn’t imagine being unconscious for so many hours–and waking up!
Tuesday October 2, 2007 – 12:27pm (EDT)
What a nightmare… and just when you were watering your mouth at the thought of retirement and a great holiday.. I guess the thought.. why to me?… came natural… You have been extremely generous and brave wanting to spare pain to your son and mother. It takes double courage.. and even with support you are always alone with your wounds… physically in the bathroom but even in your mind… I guess there is always something which is impossible to communicate and share…
Wednesday October 3, 2007 – 10:29pm (CEST)
HEY SUE, YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU..SO HAPPY I GET TO SEE YOU EVERY WEEK AT OUR WW MEETINGS. MY JOINING AND MEETING YOU HAS REALLY HELPED ME WITH MY LOSS. LOVE YA..!!YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR IS JUST GREAT!
Thursday October 4, 2007 – 10:26am (EDT)
I’m so proud of you for being so brave to go through all the process. And two thumbs up for your hubby that keep you company all the time. Maybe you can be this strong because all the love and supports you got from people around you. Or maybe it’s simply because you really are a fun fearless female. And now you’re shining others’ lives with your story. Thx so much for sharing. (^O^)v
Tuesday October 16, 2007 – 02:39am (ICT)
This is a saga. And the way you can bring humor into it, it’s just unbelievable. That thought of needing a head that can be turned off – yes, I subscribe.
Sunday October 21, 2007 – 06:41pm (CEST)
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kittigory wrote on Oct 4, ’08
Oh God! *tearing up here* ((((((((((Sue))))))))))
I live twenty minutes from Bard, if you ever want a place to come hang for a bit… |
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pestep55 wrote on Oct 4, ’08
Love the Moby references /:-) wonderful that you can share so clearly and upbeat.
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billatplay wrote on Oct 4, ’08
Proud of you, yes proud is what I am, of you and your husband, but mostly you. You used the tools to hand to improve your moral. You have a stature many could only hope for.
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lauritasita wrote on Oct 4, ’08
I got a kick out of where you were consoling the doctors. You are the strong one !
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strongwilledwoman wrote on Oct 5, ’08
I waited until tonight to read your story. I too celebrate the victory of life.
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danceinsilence wrote on Oct 16, ’08
Amidst all this, you found a moment to relish a bit of self-diagnosed humor.
At this time, your mind was still in that logical state of doing things by the numbers, refusing emotional needs to burst forth, even for as much as you wanted. “I am trying to process: I have retired. My son has graduated. He is leaving for college. I have cancer.” It’s as if you were saying, “What will I do now, the bird flies from the nest, and now have to deal with becoming unnattractive.” Giving in to emotions of this nature I think (not certain) was never you. Sort of a female Spock. “It is illogical to feel personal and private emotion.” But, in the long and hard run of life and what you certainly faced … you did just that. |
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sanssouciblogs wrote on Oct 16, ’08
Bill, I know that if anyone understands, it’s YOU!
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Comments
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