Author Archives: Sans Souci

253.→Husband Journey: Moments

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When I visit Robert I hope for a spark, something to prove that he is still present. During my last visit I went into my usual soliloquy: I do my late night TV-type monologue and wonder how Johnny Carson survived for so many years. It ain’t easy. The visitor feels compelled to keep a conversation going when there is no one to converse with. Robert hasn’t initiated conversation in months. Apparently, that part of his brain is unable to latch on to the words he might want to say. He doesn’t ask for anything. He is no longer moved for visits. … Continue reading →

252.→Husband Journey: Didn’t It Blow Your Mind

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Didn’t It Blow Your Mind The house has been silent for months. There would always be something playing from any and every genre. I needed to go back to the past to get out of the present. To dance like no one was watching. To get that vibe that gave me the chills and sent me flying. So, I was Grazing in the Grass with The Friends of Distinction, and for a moment I was young again. The flashback is thus: I am living on Laconia Avenue in the Bronx. It is a semi-attached house and my neighbors, Anna and … Continue reading →

251.→Husband Journey: How to be a Hero

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Friends, many of you have told me that I am your hero! That I inspire you. That I give your courage. That you can’t believe I am going through the second major loss in my life since November when my 102-year-old mother passed. And that shortly after, Robert had his first major fall and has not been home since. You’ve followed my blogs. You’ve left comments privately and publicly. You don’t know  “how I do it.” Here’s a window into my world: Prepare yourself by losing your first spouse at age 26 after years of his illness, his going in … Continue reading →

250.→Husband Journey: Missing

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So, here we are, room 213B. Robert’s room looks out on the nurse’s station. The nurse’s station keeps an eye on him as he fell out of bed three times in the past.  I caught it at a moment when the hustle and bustle had died down. Where was everyone? It is not quiet, never quiet. There is always beeping or chatter or laughing, always a din that lives in the walls and invades sleep and rest, but, eventually, the patients become immune, deafened like they’ve never heard it and the visitor’s nerves remain jangled, and will never get used … Continue reading →

249.→Husband Journey: Distraction

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  I live on and off the TV screen In the evenings to escape from the days filled with phone calls and fear, I unplug and binge-watch something, anything, as long as I am hooked. It is my safe time: daily life facts are buried, what-ifs and anxiety are temporarily left behind. I have lost my connection to reality moving into the world of the royals (The Crown), Ginny and Georgia (incredible story)…I watched the new Mad About You and wondered what happened to Helen Hunt…Apparently she had been in a car accident…The Kominsky method made me laugh. And there … Continue reading →

248.→Husband Journey: Going

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Just to tell you. Robert is eating less than 50% of what is served, and sometimes nothing at all. The facility wanted to send him to the ER for hospital admission for a feeding tube. It ain’t gonna happen. I told the nurse with a witness on the line: Do Not Resuscitate, Do Not Intubate. No feeding tubes going down the nose and into the stomach. No. No. I repeat: NO. He is on “compassionate care.” He is to be made comfortable. If he wants to eat, he eats. If he doesn’t want to, he doesn’t have to. Give fluids, … Continue reading →

247.→Husband Journey: Away With Words

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photo by Alan Teller I used to be a more prolific writer but lately I have been distracted by all that is going on around me and I thank those friends who have reached out. It has not been easy. But you knew that. As promising as I thought the visit was a few weeks ago, as hopeful as I was that language would be somewhat functional, that is how opposite things are now. Evan and I have had two visits, one has been blogged about in the previous post, and one on Father’s Day.  We brought lovely flowers and … Continue reading →

246.→Husband Journey: Once Was

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    Last Thursday evening was uplifting: it was the C.C.N.Y Alumni Service Award ceremony on Zoom. After the minutes were gone over and approved, six alumni members and two staff members received recognition. Robert was from the oldest class, 1969; his bio was read by another alumni member. I had no idea how the introduction would work and I hadn’t prepared an acceptance speech, so I, a speech major, did it on the fly, and augmented the bio which was based on Dalton’s nomination for the Architecture School Award. I went on to speak about Robert’s incredible amount of … Continue reading →

245.→Husband Journey: Air Conditioning

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    I hadn’t had a FaceTime visit with Robert  in a week, and yes, I felt bad, but I have appointments and calls and it’s time to take care of my own health. Some big stuff came up that scared me, filled me with dread and a pounding heart and I need to follow up. It’s been very strange since Mercury went into Retrograde. It always happens: Miscommunications, broken stuff, missing stuff, weird stuff going on with electronics. So I will begin my post with the air conditioner story. The bedroom air conditioner might be eight years old and … Continue reading →

244.→Husband Journey: Anniversary in a Nursing Home

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  May 30, 2021 45th Wedding Anniversary My day began with coffee and a sign I didn’t sleep well last night, my mind was racing and thinking ahead, bathed in a sea of heart palpitations and high anxiety. Why was I so uncomfortable? I had the visit well planned: I picked up cookies for the staff and cookies (bite sized) for Robert. He loves those chocolate Quadratinis. I picked up a bouquet of flowers for Robert, for next to his bed, and two more bouquets for the staff, for the reception area and for the nurse’s station. People in the … Continue reading →

Angel Light

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A couple of years ago we accidentally pulled out my “mock orange” with some poison ivy. I was devastated. They are so hard to find and not available locally. But, with perseverance, I found them on-line on the Arbor Day Foundation website. It could only be shipped in September…so I ordered it and waited for months and one day it arrived, an ugly, lifeless, twig in a box. I think we planted it 2 Septembers ago and it just sat there looking like a stick in the dirt. But, look what happened this Spring! I think it will take a … Continue reading →

243.→Husband Journey: The Bio

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  Still being edited and polished…another update 5/28 One of the last photos I have where he looked healthy. I have been asked by the CCNY Alumni Committee to create a bio and send a photo for the ceremony which will take place on June 10th. I couldn’t keep to the 300 words. Robert is not a 300 word guy. [I read the page to him during a FaceTime call that came in as I was writing. He remained silent with no affect. I eliminated the parts at the end about his health.] Robert was born in the Bronx, NY … Continue reading →

242. →Husband Journey: Bread and Brain

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    How does one divert oneself when life is tough? Dive into learning a new skill or resurrect an old skill. Focus, yes it is difficult, on something other than the pain that drags you down and makes your stomach quake. Think of pita, ciabatta, loaves  of warmth; some of which might take more than a day to prepare and bake. That keeps you busy. I have been consumed by a recent food section of The New York Times. I bought a bread baking book. I put my hands in flour and wish it was Moroccan sand or a … Continue reading →

241.→Husband Journey: Awards

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        Dear Robert: I have the privilege of officially notifying you that the Alumni Service Awards Committee unanimously voted to confer on you the 2021 Alumni Service Award. Congratulations! This award recognizes your ongoing and outstanding service to CCNY and the Alumni Association. This award is presented at our Annual Alumni Meeting – this year scheduled for Thursday, June 10, 2021. Note that this meeting will be held online (via Zoom) due to the continued challenges posed by the coronavirus pandemic. While we are disappointed that we are unable to gather to celebrate in-person, we did not … Continue reading →

240.→Husband Journey: Visitations

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Where have I been over the last two weeks or so? Still requesting, storting, organizing paper. Still going to banks, getting forms signed, signatures verified. And at times, I have had meltdowns. It’s all part of grieving. When you are faced with a loss of any kind, you are spun around and dumped into a chasm of confusion, gobsmacked by life that has just made a surprise attack on the illusion of your well-being. Sometimes well-being isn’t even that. Sometimes well-being is the thought of what is; it is an acceptance of the present. And then there is a surprise … Continue reading →

Happy Mother’s Day Weekend

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Happy Mother’s day weekend. Anyone who is a caregiver/taker, friend, should take credit and receive praise. Praise anyone who nurtures. This is my son, Evan, in 1987. We are on the lawn of Arthur & Georgette’s house. Evan was afraid of the grass. This child has grown into someone deserving of praise. He won’t see this on FaceBook, it’s too “creepy” to be a “friend” to his mom, but let me just say, we have been going through MAJOR hard times. He lost his grandma, I lost my mother; I am losing my husband, he is losing his dad, who … Continue reading →

The Puzzler: Lotsa Stuff! The Sunday The New York Times, NPR: 5/2/21

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These puzzles are not on-line. Evan had two puzzles published in syndication this week but for now let’s concentrate on these. Sunday, May 2, 2021 The New York Times These are special puzzles, not the weekly crossword.   Evan’s second puzzle was on National Public Radio (NPR). Will Shortz edits The New York Times puzzles and appears on NPR Radio each week. When Evan was a little boy, we would tune in every Sunday. Here’s a link to view the puzzle page: Sunday Puzzle Where It’s At NPR.org   You can hear the program audio by clicking the player below.   … Continue reading →

239.→Husband Journey: Cinéma Vérité

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  Robert and I had an intellectual and artistic connection that brought us to the movies and the theater. We pretty much shunned Hollywood and stuck to the avant-garde, the independent, the thought-provoking. He loved going to the Malverne Theater on Long Island to catch the latest and greatest. The parking was easier there than fighting to survive in Queensat  the sister theater in Kew Gardens. The last time we went was well before Covid and he was able to walk from the parking lot to the theater with a cane. We’d first have lunch at the little diner next … Continue reading →

238.→Husband Journey: Big Steps (16. With a Touch of Migraine)

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Robert and his sister Wendy ca. 1953     Here I am after over a week’s hiatus facing an empty page. Empty pages are the black holes that absorb my anxiety, thus, the words begin to fill. As Lila says in Elena Ferrante’s book, My Brilliant Friend, I have a bucket of words in my head and I pull them out. This morning I avoided the bucket of words and fell into the bucket of tears. I don’t do that often but it was necessary. As a migraine sufferer who rarely feels pain but has the other mysterious trappings, I … Continue reading →

Beyond the Visible: How We Are Connected: By Our Plastic Parts

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  So this is what happened on Sunday morning: I was excited! Though the day was gray and the weather not conducive to the great outdoors, my new Cuisinart arrived the day before and I decided that I would try to “make something,” If you recall, my machine, purchased with Robert, one Spring day in 1981, from Zabar’s and taken home on the subway, decided to bite the bread crumb. Though the iron workhorse of a 40-year old motor was still fine, it was the no-longer-made plastic parts that the blades were attached to, the stems, that just broke apart, … Continue reading →