Author Archives: Sans Souci

219. Mother-Daughter→Husband Journey: Synchronicity

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  The Present As of last night when I received yesterday’s Covid report, Robert was still positive. It has been two weeks since the first positive Covid test. I have no report today, so far, I was unable to get through to speak with a nurse, AP or Robert. But here is something for your edification: a window into three days the in the ER, when Robert never got a room at the beginning of December. Since that time he has been in a rehab facility and subsequently, due to injurious falls, and then Covid, he’s been in the hospital … Continue reading →

218. Mother-Daughter→Husband Journey: Alright!

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  It is 1:00 PM on January 14, 2021 and I am aware of the pressure to write this, I have until 3:00 when my email notifications are auto-sent when I post and I want to write this, I need to write this because I am feeling, as usual, a daily agitation about the unknown. Robert is still hospitalized. He is still testing positive for the Coronavirus. He makes no attempt to call. Calling him is difficult: his little flip phone likely is laying somewhere without a charge, he may not remember how to use the phone near his bed  … Continue reading →

217. Mother-Daughter→Husband Journey: No Boundaries

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It is day eight of Robert’s Covid illness, and he has been in the hospital since the two falls out of bed on December 30th. Was this inevitable, were the two falls preventable? Obviously he contracted Covid in that rehab or else in the ER. It feels like we have been shoved down a strange, dark path, bumping into a forest of eery growth and underbrush that trips us at ever step. The situation is so incomprehensible, so deeply scary and beyond expectancy, it is an endless Halloween trick without a treat in sight. Masks and all. It is what … Continue reading →

216. Mother-Daughter→Husband Journey: Be Prepared

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    i was never a Girl Scout. I wanted to be, I wanted that moniker, which, to me had such panache, but I settled for a play-group that was likely just as much if not more fun. Fun. Trying to recall what that little 3-letter word means. For now there have been issues weighing heavily on me and I needed information. Heavy information. What called me to arms? I finally, after hours of making attempted calls got through to Robert via a nurse. I could barely hear him. I tried to tell him about the latest news, about what … Continue reading →

215. Mother-Daughter→Husband Journey: I Don’t Know

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Good morning from my world that is stranger than fiction. Yesterday, Monday, I received a call in the morning informing me that Robert was going to be discharged. He wants to come home. He can’t come home, he was in a rehab facility. Oh, I’ll call you back. I never received a call. I connected with the rehab, they knew nothing. “Always call the hospital first.” Let me ask you a question. (I got it in:) “Why did my husband roll out of bed three times? Don’t you have bed rails? Well get this: the answer is NO. That is … Continue reading →

214. Mother-Daughter→Husband Journey: 2021 Begins Here

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What’s old is new again. First: a very happy and healthy 2021 to all who have come and visited. To those who came and left your mark; thank you. I read every comment and will not respond here (as I am not sure you’d know to return) but will drop you a note if you leave your contact info. Let me fill you in. Robert is losing bits of himself each day. As time passes he becomes more and more unrecognizable physically and mentally. There are moments of brightness, sparks of remembrance, spurts of humor. But, he is peeling. His … Continue reading →

213. Mother-Daughter→Husband Journey: Escape

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  In my quest to find a theme for my post I didn’t have far to look. There seems to be a Universal need to break free, from this year, from this virus. From restrictions. In a nearby neighborhood a GOP group celebrated, without masks or rules, and had dinner in a restaurant: a conga-line of dancers snaked around the place behind a person carrying a Trump banner. For my mother it was the escape from her old, broken body. She is gone since November 6, forty-six days. There are times when I think of calling her to find out … Continue reading →

212. Mother-Daughter→Husband Journey: Shreds

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  Written over several days. I wish this post would just write itself; right itself. I’ve been writing it in my head for days and have been distracted, tired, unable to sit down and plug away. It is a rainy Monday morning and the house is quiet, empty, except for me and the humming, sloshing of the dishwasher, downstairs, a calming sound of presence and work taking place. Something in my house is doing its job and now it is my turn. My mother is gone thirty-eight days. That is a permanent gone. My husband is gone fifteen days. That … Continue reading →

211. Mother-Daughter→Husband Journey: Progression, 2

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From buds to blooms to withering stems we are like flowers and reach the end. The more I live the more I see the parallels of patterns between living things. Birth, growth, aging, is all a progression. But how does one face the end and all of its transitions? How do we roll with it, observe it in another person and accept it? How can one not be anxious as each day brings change and adjustment? In an earlier post I spoke of this when observing my husband and the sudden, subtle changes he has been displaying. For a bit, … Continue reading →

210. Mother-Daughter→Husband Journey: Progression, 1

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November 28, 2020 I left my husband with the aide and added additional hours to make sure he would not be alone. Then, to work: My friend picked Evan and me up with her daughter in their van, the bubble wrap I had ordered arrived after the fact, so my BFF ran over to Staples and got some to fill in. We met BFF’s husband,(who rented a truck) son, nephew at my mother’s building and went to work. Bit by bit, my mother’s life of seven years in New York City, the city where she was born and to where … Continue reading →

209: Mother-Daughter→Husband Journey: Change of Life

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  Honestly, folks, I do not know where to begin. The last few months began a period of tremendous change, all—encompassing change, overwhelming transitions and tasks. Phone call after phone call, fax after fax to deal with the end of my mother’s life and the final vestiges of what made it hers. So many calls that even with notes I could barely recall to whom I spoke and what was said. I was dealing with cognitive over-load. Things are still getting sorted out. Then, there is the apartment. You don’t really feel the impact of a loss until you enter … Continue reading →

208: Mother-Daughter Journey: Thy Will Be Done

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My mother’s funeral was on Sunday. By the time we arrived to the cemetery my mind was both blank and racing. I had preplanned everything even before my mother came back to New York. I found her a plot in the same cemetery as her parents. I prepaid for the funeral home. It was all in place. I can’t tell you how many times I called the funeral home and told them to be prepared, she was coming. Despite pneumonia, allergies, shingles, and Covid, she fooled us every time. We thought we had it all figured out but we never … Continue reading →

207. Mother-Daughter Journey: Aujourd’hui Ma Mère Est Morte~ Camus

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S.Kalish/The Green-Wood Cemetery The Talmud writes, “It is a good sign for one who passes away on the eve of Shabbat.” On the most simple level this is because they enter Shabbat, a true day of rest, shortly after their passing. The holy Shabbat is a day of rest not only for those who observe it on this physical realm, but also for the souls in the hereafter. Souls that are being cleansed of their sins in Gehinnom are relieved of this painful process for the duration of Shabbat, free to experience the Shabbat rest. One who passes away on … Continue reading →

206. Mother-Daughter→Husband Journey: After The Fall

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  I can barely lift my fingers to the keyboard. My hands are slow and scared, they write words I do not want to write, that I don’t want to see or read or think about. I am wedged between my mother and my husband. My mother is leaving, falling, she’s been down the rabbit hole for months; she can no longer speak or raise her head from the bed. Little pieces of her break away each day and I tell myself during the tiny moments of quiet that everything is OK because the phone isn’t ringing. “Dear Jack,” she … Continue reading →

205. Mother-Daughter→Husband Journey: Uplifting

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      Mother: I barely call or speak to my mother at this time. My brain can’t fit in any more information, however, since I last saw you, here, the Hospice social worker who visits my mother, reported that Candy the aide had told her that there are days when my mother doesn’t sleep some nights. This reinforces my decision for fighting for the two-twelve-hours shifts so that someone would be working during the night. It is a pattern of two nights without sleep. She, Val, also reported that my mother, who is bedridden and barely can sit up, … Continue reading →

204. Mother-Daughter→Husband Journey: I’m Gonna Sit Right Down

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Woman Writing at a Table by Thomas Anshutz   I received a call earlier from the Hospice social worker who visits my mother and shares her observations. My mother sleeps a lot and is living on sips of soup. She is thinner and thinner and undoubtedly more diminished since I saw her last week. She perks up briefly and listens. I think her blindness has engulfed her: Her eyes are clouding over. Candy, the aide, says she is living more and more in her memories. My mother told Candy that she wanted to write a letter to my father (gone … Continue reading →

Day By Day: We Are Never Over the Events of The Past

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Starvation.   It is 7:00 PM on Thursday, October 1, 2020. I am standing in front of the deli counter at Marino’s Market. My son is waiting in the car for me to come out with a load of groceries. We have just come from my mother’s apartment where Candy has greeted me. I have come to get my mother’s wheel chair. For my husband. My mother is bedridden and in and out of reality. My husband has a double MRI appointment the following day and I fear that he will not be able to walk from the car to … Continue reading →