Category Archives: Blog

2c. Garden: Flowers, Bugs & Butterflies, 2020: Pupae to Transformation

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At this stage, the caterpillar would begin the next cycle on an outdoor plant. It would be prey to birds and insects and would be subject to the weather. Many do not make it to the next cycle. Some don’t even make it under our protection, but so far this season, we have made a heroic effort. We constructed a “tree”: We put twigs in a flower pot and place the caterpillar that is ready to begin its transformation here. They wander around the pot and the twigs, sometimes for hours until they find their final resting place as a … Continue reading →

2b. Garden: Flowers, Bugs & Butterflies, 2020: Pillars To Pupae

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munchkin   We’ve gone from a tiny, barely visible egg through several moltings and growth to get to the stage above. They eat and eat and literally gorge themselves on the type of leaves they were initially laid upon which we have to provide. (We try to buy organic).           And then this: After the gorging process, they cannot eat any more. The signal is expelling (not sure from which end) the last meal. The caterpillar is ready to become a pupa and to begin the final part of its journey. To be continued here

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195. Mother-Daughter Journey: Ignorance Is Bliss

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  Here I was living my La-di-da-life, thinking that all had been solved, that everything had become worry-proof, that my mother was so much better: She fooled me! The aide texted me and asked me to call my mother, who was seemingly cogent, asking for the family, how were we all, what was going on? Offering unsolicited advice: You should do this or that or the other… But then the threads of the weave began to wear and fray. This is the way things go. The illusion, then, the wearing. The edges of the fabric begin to pull.  They don’t … Continue reading →

2a. Garden: Flowers, Bugs & Butterflies, 2020: Eggs to Pillars

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This is how it begins: a black Eastern Swallowtail butterfly somehow finds you. If you have dill or parsley growing, you become its best friend.             The eggs are laid on the tiny leaves. If laid on parsley, after the eggs hatches, the young caterpillar will only eat parsley. If on dill, the same. Mama knows best. That is the first lesson.                   And on the plant on which it’s been placed, the young caterpillar will begin its eating frenzy.               … Continue reading →

A Little Catch-Up

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☀︎Yin and Yang: My mother was actually doing better last week on the new medication: sleeping OK, asked to call me, we had a nice conversation, she was fairly well oriented. Yesterday she told the aide her baked potato was burned black. The aide insisted it was not. My mother called the aide an asshole. ☀︎Mercury in Retrograde: Tech stuff, goes haywire. I was unable to post a photo blog yesterday because of issues uploading photos. Found a work-around and hope to get it going soon. It is about all the butterflies🦋 we have been raising. ☀︎ Health/Migraine: Well, you … Continue reading →

194. Mother-Daughter Journey: Luna Park

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    Happy July 4th, friends, it’s been a while and time for an uplifting report during these strange times of pandem-onium. I have backed off and away from communicating with my mother as often as I had, or thought I had: it was just too much. For me. I hadn’t spoken to her for over a week; no one called me. I believe the doctor has found the best medicine for my mother. It has calmed her. She is acting more “normal.” There is no more crazy agitation, no more screaming. There is gratitude: “I have the best nurse … Continue reading →

193. Mother-Daughter Journey: Could It Be?

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  It’s been about a week since my last post so I’ll do a little catch-up. This was a distracting week of mother-stuff, husband-stuff and butterfly stuff. (I have been very busy with that, briefly, we found 22 butterfly eggs on our parsley and dill. At this time, 9 of 12 pupae have hatched. Smaller guys are working their way up. One didn’t make it, 8 or 9 more are going to be hatching. Visual journals will be coming.) Evan had a few puzzles published in USA Today, I lost track. What I felt was important to share were the … Continue reading →

Angels Among Us

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  We have been confined for three months of quarantine and my husband decided that he had to get a haircut. Mind you, he has neurological issues and very poor balance, he has lost a lot of muscle weight and his gait is unsteady. He has not been out alone nor has he driven in three months. In my mind he should not have gone out. But he is stubborn and overestimates his abilities. I was busy dealing with the issues with my mother. He went for a haircut, in this new world order of masks and gloves and lines. … Continue reading →

192. Mother-Daughter Journey: I Scream, You Scream!

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  And so it goes, post 192 is still about my mother, no caterpillars, no butterflies. On Friday and Saturday mornings the aide contacted me with issues and I called my mother in the middle of rant-fests and temper tantrums. As control is wrested from her she is more and more agitated, hallucinations take over and become her reality: strange observations, distortions and bizarre manifestations. “Hello!? This is Pauline! Call the police! Call the police! She is trying to kill me. She is crazy, I’m not crazy!” The only one who is crazy is moi. Listening to this insanity, feeling … Continue reading →

191. Mother-Daughter Journey: Getting Tough

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  It always seems that right before I am going to do another post about my mother, that I hem and haw and procrastinate; I am tired of the process, the circumstances and quite frankly and I am tired of providing energy to the situation: The Mother-Daughter Journey. Just plain tired and fearful of engaging in phone calls, of listening, of hearing it all. The other day I texted  the aide on duty to please tell me one good thing that had happened that day. She never replied. Later, I received a phone call from Angela, the Hospice nurse who had … Continue reading →

190. Mother-Daughter Journey: Phil Perez

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    Phil Perez   I had a phone conversation with my mother yesterday, it lasted about one hour and fifteen minutes. She processed, she responded, she absorbed, she was pleasant for a good part of our talk that went all over, that traveled through time and space. She accepted the bed bumpers and how they should be placed, although, earlier, she insisted the aide wash and dry the sheets, again, we are back to that, because they were wet. But weren’t really. She told me she is constantly dreaming about crazy things sometimes embarrassingly sexual things, she wouldn’t expand … Continue reading →

189. Mother-Daughter Journey: I Asked Her Parents For Help

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My mother’s beloved dad and mom This morning I looked above the stairs; before I descended I looked at the portraits of my grandparents and said, “Help me.” I didn’t want to say, “come and get her, your daughter, the one left of four, the survivor who outlived everyone.” I just said, “Help me.” They didn’t budge or blink as I began my day remembering the evening before, the end of a long day of chores, and housework and cooking and laundry in my pandemic universe. As evening fell and sat down to eat, the phone rang. Dinnertime. Unusual. It … Continue reading →

188. Mother-Daughter Journey: Cynicism

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    C Y N I C I S M   I’m not sure what I want to say; I’ve been down this path before and Wolf was called so many times that I, Red Riding Hood, had so many bites taken out of my heart, rendering it useless but still pounding for breath: I cower. The fear, the stress, the listening to the words of those who are there watching over her— The clergy: Oh, I had such a wonderful time with your mother! She looked so nice, clean, was so engaged, we sang old Yiddish songs! The Hospice … Continue reading →

187. Mother Daughter Journey: I’m Not Ready To Die

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There you have it, loud and clear. She said it to the aide. She said it to the visiting Hospice nurse. She said it. I will fight death. And then she asked the aide to call her sister, Annette. What do you say when an elderly person in the throes of transition asks to speak to her sister who has been gone since 2007? “I can’t call her now, she went out.” And that quells the request for a while. For a while. Until the spirits of the past return carrying white clouds of memories. Of how her sister took … Continue reading →

186. Mother-Daughter Journey: Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places

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  Several days have passed since my last post. Two days ago I received a call from the case manager of the long term care company. She had gotten a call from the company that assigns the aides to my mother. My mother is not sleeping, hence neither are the aides. The care manager wanted me to go back and petition the company to review their decision of not splitting the shift” My mother needs someone to be up with her at night, the twenty-four hour decision is essential but not addressing all the needs of everyone involved. I have … Continue reading →

185. Mother-Daughter Journey: The Stove is On

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  Sunday, May 31, 2020 An attempted conversation with my mother. Her speech was slurred and labored; She expressed that she wasn’t being fed; That she saw something in the kitchen area that was glowing so she crawled to it to prevent a fire. From her chair. To my knowledge, she hasn’t been sitting in her chair, and I am not sure she can get to it. And there is nothing “glowing” in the kitchen; That the aide (#2,Judy) was mean to her, that I should report her, get a new aide; On and on. Let me talk to Judy. … Continue reading →

184. Mother-Daughter Journey: The Hostage

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Good morning. As tired as I am having been up since about 3:00 am, my wheels were turning and so were my mother’s. To fill you in, yesterday was quiet, and I stepped out of my comfort zone to contact the aide and learn the latest: My mother has a voracious appetite and is eating and eating. She is likely now under eighty pounds and maybe making up for the weeks she was ill. Or, Is that due to meds? Or has she been burning up all of her energy from so much self-induced agitation? She was up all night, … Continue reading →