Category Archives: Blog

From Dreams to Butterflies

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Here is an admission: I have been feeling low. Very low. Terribly, exceptionally low. And in the word lonely there is low. Lo and behold the times of plague, both universal and personal. This, is personal. This is putting into words the sick feeling I arise with each morning. The mother is virtually gone, and the husband, who is in limbo health-wise, weigh heavily on me. I wake up each morning and fear the new day. What else can possibly happen? What else must I take care of? What else is there to worry about: knowing full well that worry … Continue reading →

203. Mother-Daughter Journey: Dreams

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September 23, 2020 Dear Candy, Thank you for all you do. Pat (Hospice nurse) called earlier and said Mom was not eating and was sleeping a lot. She is still fighting! In the meantime I am having a very hard time with husband. He needs a lot of tests, and sometimes his legs don’t work. I am in a terrible state of stress. I wish I could unwind, but I am like a tight spring. I hope all is as OK as can be there and with you and that the family is well. Love from … Hi Susie, I … Continue reading →

What My Step-Mother-In-Law Left Me

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My (step) mother-in-law and I had a lovely friendship. She passed away around 2005. Her son and his wife cleared out her apartment as soon as they could. They took art, furniture, a baby grand, mementoes, books, you name it: everything ended up in their home. But, I got what I wanted: the Portmeirion planter I had given her from a 1977 trip to Wales, and the lonely forgotten plants on her windowsill. Previously, when my in-laws lived in their home, they had an incredibly beautiful, possibly Peruvian or Ecuadorian clay pot purchased duringIt was large and sat in its … Continue reading →

9/11/2020: A Day in the ER

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posted 9/12/20 on Facebook ~ The ☀︎H U S B A N D ✻ Update ~and a view of the ER A long look back at a long day … and of US healthcare ☞ First, thank you to all of my wonderful friends for their warm messages; I am still processing the day, the 9/11 overlay of the day, and trying to make sense of it. I’ll try to fill you in without boredom, drama or sadness. Here’s the short version: We are home, nothing conclusive was found (yet) things have wound back to the new normal, which, is … Continue reading →

202. Mother-Daughter Journey: Talking To The Wall

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  Notes from conversations: Ideations of a mind crossing over. I was in the movies. I was just on TV. I can’t come out of my little box with my coverlets. (I bought bolsters to corral her in bed as she constantly tries to get out) I can sing. I loved to dance. When I love it so much I think of dad. We loved to dance. Mother was with a group of people in the street. She was so tired she made a sigh and she fell down. I feel peculiar. I love her, she’s a wonderful woman, our … Continue reading →

Validating a Memory: The Neptune Raincoat Company

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  I was thinking about my father: he was a laborer. That’s what my mother said. I never knew what the words meant until later in my childhood, but I understood the memory of an image at a young age. I knew, for years, that my father worked on the Lower East Side of Manhattan, south of where we lived, on East Broadway and Canal Street. Somewhere, down there. I knew that he worked for The Neptune Raincoat Company. I remembered that in my early teens, while I was in Junior High School 104, that my father traveled to Elizabeth, … Continue reading →

201: Mother-Daughter Journey: The Light Still Shines

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         Morning Glory ©susankalish     In this time of a killer virus, of wild politics, of fear, of change, of weather, of terror of anger, of momentary forgetfulness of same and then being pulled back into the present, in this time, during this time, my mother lives. She is visited by her doctor, she is visited by a hospice nurse, she is visited by clergy. She is in bed, no longer able to do anything for herself but to voice her opinion. Sometimes she is sane. Sometimes not. Sometimes oriented, sometimes floating. Two aides live-in, one … Continue reading →

200. Mother-Daughter Journey: The Visit

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    Written, Saturday, 8/15/20 Was yesterday a turning point? The Hospice nurse and social worker called to report their visit: my mother was sleeping. She was barely eating or drinking. The end was near. Anytime. Big difference from a visit a week ago where my mother was chatty and could spell her name. I had a sick feeling in my gut. I jumped when the phone rang. I imagined the scenario, of what I would do, how I would react. Imagining the date. Standing over a gravesite. Writing her day of birth and death on paper. Imagining feeling numb, … Continue reading →

199. Mother-Daughter Journey: The Angels Listened In

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  The phone rang after 7:00 PM last night while I was making dinner. The caller ID was my mother’s phone. I held my breath and said, “hello.” It was Candy, the (main, 4-day) aide. I know something is up when I get a call at this hour. She doesn’t like to bother me, she knows I am juggling my caregiving between my mother and my husband. But she is agitated, speaking loudly, quickly, repeating herself during the conversation. It all comes down to two things: Frustration. Guilt. Candy’s father recently died of Alzheimer’s Disease. She would come to work  … Continue reading →

198. Mother-Daughter Journey: Notes From The Aide

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    Part of the story are the reflections of others. I am not there to see what is really going on. But I hear. I hear through the spoken and written word. I might as well be in another country. I am a coward. Now that visiting is permitted for a short time, two at a time, I still refrain. I can’t handle it. I can’t handle the heat, the summer, the ghastly threatening virus. I can’t handle my fatigue that always controls me. Instead, I think about how I am going to disband my mother’s apartment. What is … Continue reading →

197. Mother-Daughter Journey: Any Day Now, I Shall Be Released

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  “I Shall Be Released” Bob Dylan They say ev’rything can be replaced Yet ev’ry distance is not near So I remember ev’ry face Of ev’ry man who put me here I see my light come shining From the west unto the east Any day now, any day now I shall be released. They say ev’ry man needs protection They say ev’ry man must fall Yet I swear I see my reflection Some place so high above this wall. I see my light come shining From the west unto the east Any day now, any day now I shall be … Continue reading →

196. Mother-Daughter Journey: If Mama Ain’t Happy

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[Before I begin my Monday morning tome, please make sure you visit the post about the butterflies. There is lots to see and it is worth your while. It’s here.] Soooo, friends, I have taken a break and stayed in the world of nature and creativity, two things that keep me calm in the face of having a mother who is acting out like a bad teenager. I have to admit, that there are many days that go by where I just text with the aide or assume all is well. The aide sent me a selfie. My mom and … Continue reading →

2d. Garden: Flowers, Bugs & Butterflies, 2020: Transformation to Butterfly

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And then one day, and sometimes for many days, you find a treasure, usually in the morning; sometimes several treasures. One day 4 pupae eclosed.   So far this season: We were able to raise and release 20 butterflies of about 23 since June. One little caterpillar just couldn’t make it. Two pupae remained behind and never “eclosed.” Here is a compendium of moments   Let’s go to the movies. The mother butterfly looks for a place to lay her eggs. Once she lays them, on parsley or dill, that is what they will eat. No mixing and matching. I … Continue reading →