1/24/23

I began my day, as many of my days are started with acute anxiety. I know all of the tricks to help it dissipate–to an extent– but the thought of a big surgery coming up in about a month, becomes overwhelming. Meditation and visualization pick at the mountain of fear. People tell me to call them and I want to but as it turns out most times, I can’t move or if I do call,  they are not home.

Deep breaths. I try to reconstruct myself, like I am made of Legos, snapping the pieces together, so that I can get up and move. But I remain a cartoon version of myself in a pixelated world, often for most of the day. Parts of me are riddled with static and the cels I live in don’t animate.  I do cartoon double-takes over and over between my world and Robert’s. It’s hard to focus, to make decisions but somehow I am making them. I manage to step out of myself, to observe myself and I ask, “how”? How am I dealing with a spouse in a nursing home and at the same time dealing, not with my mother, but with myself, making plans for something major?

Speaking of my mother, she believed that things have a way of working out and I have observed that most of the time, they do. I want to believe that and I’ve wanted to stop fretting over the near future and all of its details and possibilities, these plans I must make for myself. For a big surgery.

I have finally sat down with my notes and have distracted myself, momentraily smoothing out those rough, sharp, pixelated edges that get in my way. Recent  interactions  with  Robert.

1/23

S. Hi, I miss you!
R. I miss you more!

S. I’m going to play some Mahler for you. Is #3 OK?
R. They’re all good.

(The room was noisy and I wonder how he can hear, the aide came in to take his iPad:)
R. It’s not over yet!

S.Did you like it?
R. I loved it.

S. Goodbye, I love you!
R. I love you back!

1/24

S. Remember when we used to visit L,B, & M?
R. Those were the days.

S. The movie, “Tár” is about a conductor of Mahler’s music. I want to see it.
R. That sounds like something right up my alley.

Robert was able to see over my shoulder. Spontaneously he said:
How nice the kitchen looks. It looks like a nice house. (The spontaneity was a surprise)

S. Do you remember what you did for a living?
R. I was a science teacher.

S. Do you remember when Evan was a baby?
R. I know he was.

I initiated some current events:

S. NYC retired workers are fighting for our health insurance…the city wanted to give raises to new people at the expense of the retirees.
R. Not that new teachers don’t deserve a good salary.
And then: Glad that you are becoming militant! (And a smile!)
S. I learned from you! YOU were amazing!
R. Yeah, that’s me!

1/27

S. Hi, Rob!
R. Hi Snooks!

S. I love you.
R. I love you more.

The best way to deal with the uncomfortable, the pain and confusion is to laugh. Here’s one from me.

📌That series starts here:
Part 1: And The Band Played On … a mother’s life, a daughter’s journey
The previous post is here

The next post is coming