Part 298: →Husband Journey: Hey! Where You Goin’ With That Suitcase?
This post takes us back about a few weeks when I called Robert’s former nursing home to make an appointment to pick up his personal effects. It was months since he left but no one had the energy or courage to pursue the task. I was told by the receptionist who is one of the only people I respect there, that I would have to notify her of the day I wished to come in, and, in about a day I would get a call to make the pick-up as the effects of those who pass are destined to wait in a shed in the parking lot across the street. But, no one ever called me so I began my usual pestering routine and then the receptionist, who was somewhat surprised and alarmed told me that I’d have to call the social worker. So, I did, and as usual I got voicemail I didn’t get a call-back for many days…I also sent and email.
It took days for me to recall what possessions were at the nursing home, each day I remembered something else. I told the social worker in emails and in CAPITAL LETTERS, twice, because it was obvious that he didn’t read the first email. I said that Robert had my black TravelPro carry-on suitcase: it went with him on his journey of more than three years. It accompanied him during 2020 after the first fall, to the hospital: he was in the insane-asylum of the ER for three days because there were no beds, because of, (remember those days?) COVID. It was November 2020.
He was sent to the nursing home because there was a bed. It was considered rehab. He was pretty much cogent and far better than at the hospital. The carry-on bag was planted in the slit in the wall of a closet. Robert was in the room with a roommate. Visiting was restricted. It was December, 2020.
Around New Year’s Eve I received calls, or maybe even two on New Year’s Eve day. I was out shopping with my son at a kind of Woolworth 5 & dime store for clothes like sweatpants that would be appropriate for living in a bed. I listened to the message in the car.
“Robert fell out of bed and was found on the floor. He said he was looking for his pillow.”
And then, “Robert fell out of bed again and this time hit and cut his head and was found unconscious. We are sending him to the hospital.” I assume my carry-on went with him for that hospital stay, back to the ER. He was supposed to return to the nursing home; there was no brain injury, but he never made it: now he had Covid (from the nursing home) and was in the Covid ward: It was then that he stopped using his little flip phone, eating unattended, and initiating conversation.
He was never the same.
He remained in the hospital for a few weeks and then was sent to The Hebrew Home, another nursing home in Riverdale, The Bronx, where they were triaging Covid patients for weeks until they tested negative.
I believe it was February, maybe even March of 2021 when he returned to the nursing home, half his size, his brain withered, and unrecognizable to those who had been attending to him previously.
He was moved from room to room with my carry-on. He was in several rooms with a bed by the door where the nurse’s station could keep an eye on him. The voices and clatter and light from the hallway never ended. The final resting place, room 317, which housed a total of four sad, old, souls was where Robert and my suitcase ended up. I never looked in the slit of a closet in that room for his belongings; there was a chair and a bed next to it and by then, he didn’t need his own clothes. But occasionally when I visited he was wearing a familiar tee shirt, but sometimes he was wearing someone else’s.
And then I got a call from the social worker: “Good news! We found Robert’s things!” They are in a carton in the lobby. My son went to retrieve them. It took hours for the box to be found. It was large enough to hold my suitcase but my bag was not in it.
The following will explain. After opening the carton, I decided to send an email and this time I cc’d corporate:
I am writing to you to share a recent experience. As you know, my husband, Robert was at The _____ for thirty-eight months.
Kudos to Anna, the receptionist, for always having a smile, a kind word and a virtual hug every time I called.
Though Robert’s passing was inevitable and heartbreaking, the following incident compounds the pain and stains the positivity.
This is shameful. It is also shameful to see that many items were missing: a few nice button-down shirts, several hard-covered books, tee shirts (including a New York Times crossword puzzle shirt my son had given him for Father’s day), even his shoes! I was absolutely devastated to find the photo of Robert and me, in a clear plastic frame, was absent. I had personally placed his belongings in a black TravelPro carry-on, which was in perfect condition, and fit in his closet.
When a call from the The Grand is put on hold, one hears phrases like: “we treat you like a family member,” “your visit is just like staying at a resort.” Good advertising, but you certainly didn’t treat us that way:
I have many other things I could discuss, like the way I had to wait a year to finally get paperwork to file an insurance claim, like the way one can leave messages and not get a call-back or be blocked by endless full voicemail boxes, like the way I was notified about Robert’s death, but these are other matters.
For now, I am focusing on the painful, sad, disappointment of that carton; the horrifying shock at what was so wantonly, insensitively and thoughtlessly put in it, and the pain of knowing what should have been in it.
Those who grieve need closure: Incidents such as these prevent one from getting it.
Your organization has need for some serious sensitivity training and soul searching. I, in fact am willing to help. Please call me for my input. Treat me like family. I am looking forward to hearing from you in the very near future.
Sincerely,
Two minutes after I sent my email, I received a call for the head admin. Oh, yes, we had a long conversation and he said he was going to personally look for the belongings, which I now list at: My TravelPro carry-on, several nice button down shirts, a couple of hard covered books, a photo of us in a frame…then I remembered his shoes. I have been donating bags and bags of belongings to a worthwhile organization so it wasn’t as if I had to have these things back, but a little ball-breaking was in order and I want my carry-on replaced. As usual, I have not received a call-back about the great shed-search for what obviously was stolen, but I am waiting. And the sad thing is that this situation is not uncommon in nursing homes and this was considered one of the better ones.
One thing that was in the box, interestingly enough, which made me smile, was a small white angora toy cat which was given to him probably a couple of years ago by a high school volunteer. It had sat next to Robert’s bed on a nightstand, however said nightstand was always so far behind the bed, he never realized it was there.
That cat brought me back to my childhood, to when I was about two years of age; my mother started to buy me that same sort of toy white cat, though larger, (or else it seemed larger to a toddler.) I carried it under my arm wherever I went until the bottom was worn off and a vinyl quilted surface was revealed. Then she replaced it.
I almost donated this little guy or girl to a needy child, but then I realized the needy child was me. It sits in a small basket in the living room and reminds me of my babyhood. In those days, people were just getting televisions and becoming acquainted with Milton Berle and Howdy Doody. Sometimes you just need a toy white cat that spent a few years keeping someone else company, even if it wasn’t noticed. It patiently waited for someone to love it.
It patiently waited, as did Robert, day after day, for his memories to return, and for his brain to untangle, to function as it once did.
I am not sure where my suitcase is now, but knowing Robert, he took it with him, and it is full of books.
The Cerebral Jukebox is playing:
I Just Don’t Wanna Be Lonely by
The Main Ingredient
“Hey, say, wait a minute
Where you going with that suitcase?
Wait a minute, listen …”
📌The series starts here:
Part 1: And The Band Played On … a mother’s life, a daughter’s journey
(becomes the husband journey)
The previous post is here
The next post is here
OMG, your story, so heartbreaking. But of course I remember those white kitty days. Every little cat loving girl had one. Mine was on layaway at my local toy store in the Valley (San Fernando). And at the end of every week I’d dutifully walk to the shop and give the kindly older gentleman owner my babysitting money until it all added up to when I could bring my white kitty home with me. Oh happy day! Mine even had a little pink plastic brush attached so I could brush it, which I did every day. I don’t even remember what I’d named it, only that it was so loved as I was not. Or maybe I was but just ignored. Who knows?
All I now know, and am sure of from what you’ve written, is that Robert took his – your – suitcase to heaven with him. And this way he’ll never run out of a warm T and Evan’s crossword puzzles…xoxo
😞😞😞😞
However sad, your observations and comments are so necessary. Poorly educated or trained support staff pay little notice to signs indicating that family will care for personal items nor are many interested in returning what they may have mistakenly taken. Care for the entire family should have been their concern. Please focus on happier memories like the cat
The complete lack of sensitivity from this soulless institution is beyond appalling. I do hope they understand that you lost way more than his books, pictures, the suitcase, and shirts. The horror of finding one slipper and other people’s tattered belongings (with their names!) is traumatic, to say the least. I would shame them by going to public media if you have the stomach for it. I’m so sorry for all of it. The white kitten is small consolation.
Dear Sue, On top of all you and Robert have endured, they added insult to injury. Robert a human being…not just a name on a list. How ——– dare they to treat his belongings in such a non-caring way….like things they just had to check off a list, regardless of their condition or how you would feel upon opening them. Disgusting and sickening. There has to be a sensitive organization to whom you could complain. It will not change what you have been through but perhaps prevent this from happening to someone else. The only comfort you have is the little white kitten. I find this story tear provoking. My heart aches for you. Hugs. Pat
Sad that personal belongings are an afterthought to those they were entrusted to. Glad you got the kitty.
Oh Susan. What a horrible emotional ordeal. Maybe it’s time to report them to the NYT. It makes my brain boil🤯 and my heart ache 😣 💔. May you find the closure you need. Blessings be yours and may earlier memories of Robert be a blessing.
Sending love ❤️
Oh, Sue – I can’t believe what you’ve had to endure, and the heartbreak…may that little white cat continue to comfort you, and be a loving message from Robert and your mom and dad/childhood. It’s still got a lotta love to give and receive from you.
Hugs,
245, 3-H