Yesterday was my mother’s first day out in the real world; Cynthia, her aide (how will we live without her?) researched and booked the first of several appointments with doctors. This one was with an orthopedist who checked on the healing of the fracture of my mother’s arm which occurred at the beginning of February and was the starting point of months of decline.

My mother said that no one believed that she is ninety-five. She, however, sees the difference, the radical change from last year. “People say I look great,” she said, but she doesn’t believe it. I think she doesn’t believe her age. She also doesn’t believe, can’t believe the doctor who told her she can’t be alone and she needs a wheelchair. That her balance isn’t there. My mother feels she can be unassisted if she is careful. We know that careful doesn’t stave off accidents. She can walk short distances with her walker but she must have someone near her.

I began to panic: if she still needs someone full time how will we manage the cost of the care? Who will take her to the bathroom in the middle of the night? I see myself taking her to endless appointments. Opening the car door, pulling out a wheelchair, helping her in, helping her out, reversing the procedure. I also fear the middle of the night phone call. A fall, an injury, an emergency. My heart is back in my mouth thinking about all this, projecting my own fears onto this new situation. Am I being too realistic? Unrealistic?

There are so many details that go along with this move, a move that she prefers not to make, a move that I prefer she didn’t have to make. She will be leaving the Florida warmth for the cold reality of New York City, a city that holds the memories of her youth. A city that no longer holds any of the people from her past except her children, and grandchildren; her only family who have had, over the last 25 years, limited and brief visits and moments to share.

She believes it is not her time yet.

It is important to focus on the reason for all of this: that if she stays and runs out of money and ends up in some nursing home it will be a nightmare. The distance is just too great. Healthcare in these “facilities” are inadequate, she will be neglected again. She has to do this, we have to do this; her life will be better, albeit the huge difference in climate and daily adjustments … I see no other path.

My mother’s poor balance, which the doctor told her was typical for a person her age, can be dealt with, with a wheelchair.

But this is not only about the loss of physical equilibrium. It’s a matter of running out of time. Of losing one’s place, space and independence. Of running out of funds.

If only a something as simple as a wheelchair could cure all ills.

Hall&Oates/Out of Touch
click to play >

Shake it up, is all that we know
Using bodies up as we go
I’m waking up to fantasy
The shades all around aren’t the colours we used to see
Broken ice still melts in the sun
And ties that are broken can often be one again
We’re soul alone and soul really matters to me
Take a look around

You’re out of touch, I’m out of time (time)
But I’m out of my head when you’re not around
You’re out of touch, I’m out of time (time)
But I’m out of my head when you’re not around
Woh woh woh woh woh woh

Reachin’ out for somethin’ to hold
Lookin’ for a love where the climate is cold
Manic moves, drowsy dreams
Livin’ in the middle, between the two extremes
Smokin’ guns hot to the touch
Would cool down if we didn’t use them so much, yeah
We’re soul alone and soul really matters to me
Too much

You’re out of touch, I’m out of time (time)
But I’m out of my head when you’re not around
You’re out of touch, I’m out of time (time)
But I’m out of my head when you’re not around

Woh woh woh woh woh woh oooh
Woh woh woh woh woh woh woh woh

Out of touch
Out of touch

You’re out of touch, I’m out of time (time)
But I’m out of my head when you’re not around
You’re out of touch, I’m out of time (time)
But I’m out of my head when you’re not around
You’re out of touch, I’m out of time (time)
But I’m out of my head when you’re not around
You’re out of touch, I’m out of time (time)
But I’m out of my head when you’re not around
You’re out of touch, I’m out of time (time)
But I’m out of my head when you’re not around
You’re out of touch, I’m out of time (time)
But I’m out of my head when you’re not around
You’re out of touch, I’m out of time (time)
But I’m out of my head when you’re not around
You’re out of touch, I’m out of time (time)
But I’m out of my head when you’re not around

This series is linked: see “continued here.” Also, below the line there will be links for the previous post and the next.

The series starts here

continued here