I have been putting off writing the latest addition to my mother-daughter series for several reasons: I have been really tired if not drained, I have been fighting those ocular migraines which have been coming in groups, like one episode a day isn’t enough, I have been busy running around, and at times I am just plain daunted.

I have:

• taken my mother to apply for all kinds of changes at social security
• taken her to apply for a NYS photo ID
• gotten applications for all kinds of services
• spent hours on the phone with the social worker
• gotten her an aide, actually two aides who work together to provide back-up
• gone shopping for food and pharmacy items
• gone shopping for clothing
• returned purchases
• consulted professionals
• neatened the closet, the apartment
• unpacked boxes and still am not finished
• called banks (she had gone to one in Florida before leaving providing notification that she would be closing accounts shortly. Why bother? I still had to send down a notarized letter)
• filled out forms ’til the cows came home
• made appointments with a lawyer to redo her will and other important documents that need signing
• provided transportation: wheelchair in, wheelchair out
• taken her to a cardiologist and sat with her for 2 hours through testing: she is fine, blood leakage in the heart is “normal” for her age but she needs to eat more”
• explained how to use her cordless phone numerous times, explained numerous things numerous times: I am explained out

I would say things were going pretty well. And then there was a rock in the road. Complaints. Agitation.

I had already heard the anecdote about one of the aides snoring at night and who was keeping her awake (before it was airplanes overhead preventing her from sleeping). My mother claims that she tried to waken the aide and couldn’t. That is two strikes: not being able to sleep and not being able to awaken the aide should there be an emergency. Apparently the aide may have felt guilty and spoke to the social worker in the building about it because I mentioned it to her (she knows the two aides personally and help me engage them) and she was told that the aide claims she was in the bathroom so how could she be snoring? She said, she said…

Today I called to see how things were going with a substitute aide who is filling in in while the snorer went home to the islands due to a family emergency.

I was planning to tell my mother a couple more pairs of slacks would be arriving from Macy’s and never got around to it. I got an earful instead:

• “well I am not feeling well: my nose was running all day and I sneezed. I used up a box of tissues. The doctor isn’t back in the building until Tuesday, I hope we don’t have that appointment with the lawyer tomorrow…the men at the table are the worst offenders, I keep telling them to use their handkerchiefs. Coughing and coughing…”
• “I went to the beauty parlor in the building and she didn’t have my color, imagine? I have to wait until next Tuesday, she is only there Tuesday and Thursday. How primitive!”
• “I am running out of Ensure”
• “And, Mrs. T who snores! I told the one who is here the four days I want her everyday, none of this people tramping in and out, I want ONE aide. It’s OK if there is an emergency but there are too many people and this one keeps me up! It’s dangerous if I can’t wake her!” (So where is this going? I am assuming she doesn’t want her anymore even though she likes her and she is a mature woman, so I venture to get clarity…)
• I ask: “so you don’t want her anymore-you’ll have to work this out”–meaning to say figure out what she wants to do
• She goes ballistic: “don’t you understand me? Aren’t you listening to what I said? I can’t sleep! The snoring! And then comes the pièce de résistance: She says: Your DAUGHTER just told you she can’t sleep and there is a problem. I am the customer, the patient, this has to be corrected, you aren’t listening!”
• She says: “I need to let it out so I feel better!” (I realize she has no one else to yell to)
• But, I began to lose it. The roles were reversed again. I was now the parent of a ninety-five year old rebel who was right on but who forgot who I was. It was more than I could bear. I need to let it out, too, but I can’t say anything to her.
• I never told her about her slacks, all I could say was “I have to go NOW! BYE!” and hung up. Hoping I didn’t have to do another day of shopping and running and catering. I was drowning in confusion, fear, guilt, resentment and I wanted out.

I have learned I am normal, Jane Brody’s New York Times article on 9/17/13, When Parents Need Nurturing, summed it up beautifully: my mishmash feelings. Quoted in the article is Maude Purcell, a psychotherapist who said, “Don’t take on more than you can handle. Consider your commitments to your work and to other family members. Overextending yourself will leave you stressed and will put a strain on your other relationships. Worst of all, you may end up taking your frustration out on your parent, causing you intense guilt.”

Knowing my reactions are normal is great, but it still doesn’t alleviate the fatigue and occasional resentment and guilt. I bristle! What choice do I have?

During the week I was inspired by a post by my friend Joyce. A video on happiness jabbed me into awareness. What should be bringing me joy, the fact that my mother is intact, survived major health issues, made a drastic move, had adapted to many new things; that she was still ALIVE was in fact bringing me just the opposite. I felt I could never do enough to satisfy her.

And yet, when I brought her a load of new clothes she was an overjoyed child, she expressed how grateful she was, for the clothes, for everything. I was grateful she was happy, it made me happy. But then there is always the time that creeps in that is discordant, that doesn’t fit. It is caused by her need for nurturing, the need for gratification on her terms. It is like emotional panic, her fear.

This video is important.

We need to stop and subdue the panic, the  agitation, the fear.

And express the gratitude.

This series is linked: see “continued here.” Also, below the line there will be links for the previous post and the next.

The series starts here

continued here