Tag Archives: aging

280→Husband Journey: A Garden of Memories

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Photos of the garden. I take Robert on FaceTime “trips.”   I’ve been lax and lazy. I took no notes on several interactions with Robert. I don’t recall all the things he said. Maybe just the affiliated mood. I am contacted more regularly for a Facetime call and I am finding it very helpful: I can walk around the house and pull out props to stimulate his memory. I “take” him to the garden, have him greet the tomatoes, let him silently marvel at the flowers and at how tall the Krauter Vesuvius Plum Tree has gotten. I go out. … Continue reading →

277→Husband Journey: Total Eclipse of the Heart

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  Though last weekend is behind me, I am still rattled. Not so much by what happened—or didn’t—to Robert, but by what happened, by what could happen, and how things are handled. I was in my Friday night position, around 9:00 PM, situated in front of the television, watching still another streaming show, (so far over 130) when the phone rang. The caller ID was that of the nursing home and it was way too late for the Covid-robo-call-update. Deep breath. Hello. I was informed that “everything is alright,” but…however…throw in the conjunction of your choice that will make you … Continue reading →

274→Husband Journey: On Disconnecting

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Written/Sunday, April 17, 2022 Today is Passover, overlayed with Easter and the end of Ramadan. You may have had several sedars, or said, “he is risen,” or ended your fasting. We are one. It is time to read. I have a story to tell. One recent morning when I was extremely down and trying to begin another day, my friend, Barbara B., sent me a link a podcast on BBC Radio. She recently had lost her mother, who, as I have mentioned in previous blogs, was in the same  nursing home as Robert, in fact, on the same floor. When … Continue reading →

272→Husband Journey: Pizza and Purpose

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Robert had a file for everything: he had a massive collection of files in neat rows of many file cabinets, from the 1960s on. I was consumed with guilt when I recycled them. (Paper never gets thrown out, in our home, it gets recycled.) There were files for every place, everywhere in the world that he intended to visit. Architecture files, etymology files, theater files, movie files, exhibit files, stupidity files, on and on, and of course a file full of obituaries. But let’s not forget the food files. If Robert were home and still reading The New York Times, … Continue reading →

268→Husband Journey: Save

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This post took me more than two days and several drafts. In the middle of the night, or in the shower, in some passive moment when I am not really thinking of anything, obviously deep down there, I am: I wait, then it unfolds. So, today’s blog is about saving. Or about being saved.  Robert, on a Facetime call: “Hello, Snooks,” he  said. I mentioned something about his head. He said, “that’s the important part of me.” I heard a man in his room. An aide was helping his roommate. I could see Robert’s eyes darting, tracking left to right. … Continue reading →

267→Husband Journey: Now, All You Have To Deal With …

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  12/17/21 A visit to Robert. A cyst was found on Robert’s thyroid, that is why the on-site physician wanted to send him to an endocrinologist. I left messages to speak to this physician and we never connected. I canceled the appointment that they told me they had made, and told Rocky, the nurse, that I would not consent unless the doctor spoke with me and unless I had an inkling as to whether Robert’s current condition could possibly improve if he were treated. Which would probably mean surgery. Which could in his case conceivably kill him. The first and … Continue reading →

266→Husband Journey: Solos

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Morgan Freeman in “Solos”   It’s happening more and more. I look at this blank blog page and don’t know where to go with it. So, I fall into my usual stream of consciousness and let ‘er rip. Sometimes I feel like I am getting there; to a manageable place where I can get up in the morning and face another day, head-on, in my new life. Other days I feel broken. I am. There is no denying that the kicking and screaming part of the mourning process is hard, damn hard. It’s uncomfortable, nauseating, fear-based, horrifying and dreadful. I … Continue reading →

261.→Husband Journey: Arm-or

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    Monday, 10-25 I visited Robert. It was the usual drill. My friend was kind enough to drop me off and wait while I went on my journey. I don’t know if you know how very important it is to me to have that physical and moral support. Each time I go I wonder what I would find. I wonder if will be the last time. I sign in, fill out a form, have my temperature taken electronically, make my way down the long hallway and turn right at the elevator. I breathe deeply into my mask, ascend to … Continue reading →

260.→Husband Journey: Water

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October. The deck, before the wind. …  then a strong wind from the east. Maybe Autumn has begun.   I’ve been visiting my lake. I take in the light, the air, the color, the sounds. The gift of nature soothes the most disturbed of hearts: my heart has been disturbed. It has been redefining itself, slowly accepting of my new, quieter life. I haven’t had the daily stress of caring for another individual for almost a year though I have flailed at the Universe and have been baffled and unsettled by my fate,  like the seasons, I have changed. The … Continue reading →

147. Mother-Daughter Journey … and Letting Go

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No! Really? I haven’t posted about my mother for months? Maybe that is because so much wackiness and unpleasantness has been rearing its head. So, let me do what I think I do best: weave. I like to take life’s seemingly unrelated threads and weave them together, somehow. My stories evolve. We are dealing with three threads: a sick, might I say, quite ill pet of fifteen+ years? a husband with a neurological issue who has recently come out of the hospital; a mother who is 101 years old.   Let’s get out the loom and see how it intertwines:  … Continue reading →

What Just Freaking Happened? leading to …137. Mother-Daughter Journey

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  This has been a wacky few weeks. As I mentioned, I was giving an on-line iPhone photography course (they call it a workshop, but the amount of time and work that went into it could have gotten me tenure at a university) so I was on-line posting and creating and helping, and researching. And migraining. It was an awful month for migraines, just about a daily event of one kind or another, and I do think I mentioned about the violent vertigo attack; these scare the crap out of me. I try to live, if I can in between … Continue reading →

122. Mother-Daughter Journey: The Roller Coaster of Care Giving

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If you think that looking at the above roller coaster clip is enough to make you ill, here is another one for you. I was all set to work on this new blog. I was going to tell you that I spoke with my mom late yesterday afternoon and she was so on target, so responsive and open and appeared to be processing information so well. I said to myself, “Self, we are now on a roll. It’s all good. It’s all normal. It was all a bad dream and we’ve awakened to a new day. We are healed!” I … Continue reading →

121. Mother-Daughter Journey: When the Connection is Lost

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My mother before a visit to the retinal specialist in October photo taken by one of the aides   I don’t know how to say this so I will just let the words fly; my mother is losing it. Each day a few more crumbs of her fall to imaginary birds, called “paranoia.”    This evening I brought over her rent and had to collect her mail. These are two very innocuous activities except when emotional interaction plays a part. My mother suffers, as you know, from partial blindness due to macular degeneration. She hasn’t had her eye injection in … Continue reading →

107. Mother-Daughter Journey: White Glove Service

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Welcome back and thank you for reading. My journey continues. A couple of days ago my mother had her twelve week retinal check-up and eye injection for macular degeneration. My mother is brought down by her aide in her wheel chair. She is wearing an old black jacket that covers a sparkly gold sweater. She is very particular about her appearance. She has her black slacks on and she wears her sandals-they are the only shoes that can accommodate her distorted feet. The bunions and reconfiguration of those toes are likely caused by the years she wore  pointy high heels. … Continue reading →

106. Mother-Daughter Journey: Angels Among Us?

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  On Tuesday I went to see my mother with a bag of food in hand: a challah, two potato knishes, two kasha knishes, a container of little meatballs and spaghetti and a large container of vegetable soup. She was thrilled. This is her soul food, and despite the fact that her meals are supplied by her residence, she felt a lot safer should she not abide by the daily menu.     I went through her mail: my plea to the VA was responded to, a denial of my request for more funds, but the door was not totally … Continue reading →

102: Mother-Daughter Journey: What is a Hate Crime?

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As one ages, synapses contort and connections get lost, communicate with the wrong neuron, or venture out on their own. What the hell⎯I am not a neurologist, but I am a gerontologist by observation and I find myself giving mini-lectures to the hundreds of people I connect with on the phone. “Where did you study?” they ask, in awe of what I tell them. “It’s a life lesson,” I reply. “I observe everything.” One does not need a degree to sense, to feel and comprehend. When one ages, as I have observed in my ninety-nine year old mother, things get … Continue reading →

101: Mother-Daughter Journey: After The Fall

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On Friday afternoon I received a call-back from a supervisor at the managed long term care to whom I had left a message. It seemed like weeks had gone by and I had given up hearing from her. In the meantime, I had contacted my assemblyman and a case worker for MYSELF. I was hoping for help and guidance but after chatting with someone in person  about my mother’s situation, and managed care, I realized I knew more than the case worker did. Getting back to the supervisor, she had changed my mother’s case management team as requested. I was … Continue reading →

100. Mother-Daughter Journey: Stuck

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  The elderly, those who are just plain OLD and not ill, can reach the age when their income (Social Security, pension, benefits, etc.) does not pay the rent, does not pay for expenses. AND, if  an aide is needed, and if the hours can’t be extended through “community medicaid” (so that one can age-in-place), you are on your own. Here is the bottom line: The aide, will cost a minimum of $600 more a month, out-of-pocket (likely from the pocket of the aging children of the elderly.) The choice will ultimately be a NURSING HOME, or more hours to … Continue reading →

98. Mother-Daughter Journey: The Theater of Managed Long Term Care

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[Managed Long Term Care: This is not private pay care; it is a system, eg., the state, that delivers services so that the chronically ill or disabled can stay in their homes] I keep thinking about yesterday, rolling the conversation over in my mind; as a result, I initially I went through hours of guilt. I feel, I perceive that I wasn’t a “good girl,” that I was  disrespectful, out-of-line, inappropriate. I was angry and frustrated. I had run out of ammo. I was assuming that the voice of reason would step in and smooth this all out, tell me … Continue reading →

97. Mother-Daughter Journey: I Got Nowhere, Aiming For The Heart

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Where to start? Being a care-taker goes far beyond dealing with the elderly. It’s about the agencies that can take a few pounds out of one’s hide. The one person who was kind and pleasant, the case manager, who we had for a few months, left. She said she was leaving me in “good hands.” Good hands that could knock the crap out of me. Victoria. Who would think such a regal name would be attached to such a person? She was supposed to put in a request for another hour of an aide for my mother; as of now, … Continue reading →