Tag Archives: husband

275→Husband Journey: Hand Jive

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Written: Tuesday, April 26, 2022 Today is the bicentennial-birthday of Frederick Law Olmsted, (April 26, 1822 – August 28, 1903), who is considered the Father of Landscape Architecture. When I first heard of him, it was through Robert. Olmsted designed Central Park, Riverside Drive, Riverside Park, Ft. Tryon Park, in Manhattan, Prospect Park in Brooklyn, Forest Park in Queens, Vanderbilt Mausoleum in Staten Island, Grand Army Plaza, Fort Greene Park in Brooklyn, and more, all in New York City: His legacy includes parks, buildings, campuses, cemeteries, public and private works, all over the country. In today’s The New York Times … Continue reading →

272→Husband Journey: Pizza and Purpose

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Robert had a file for everything: he had a massive collection of files in neat rows of many file cabinets, from the 1960s on. I was consumed with guilt when I recycled them. (Paper never gets thrown out, in our home, it gets recycled.) There were files for every place, everywhere in the world that he intended to visit. Architecture files, etymology files, theater files, movie files, exhibit files, stupidity files, on and on, and of course a file full of obituaries. But let’s not forget the food files. If Robert were home and still reading The New York Times, … Continue reading →

270→Husband Journey: Robert Sees Evan on a News Segment

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  Evan is the go-to person for the history and importance of The U.S. Postal Service. He was interviewed for the CBS Mornings Show. He set up the details and orchestrated the interviews. The segment was shot while he was on the road in upstate New York. This is not the first time Evan has been interviewed and featured; he is known to the media and has been in print, online and on television to wit: The Pennsylvania Gazette, The Living New Deal, BBC America, The Colin McEnroe Show, CT Public Radio, Cheddar.com, Linn’s Stamp News, The Denver Post.com,  Philadelphia … Continue reading →

269→Husband Journey: Again

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Just thinking that this is a part of the journey, the story that remains an enigma and cannot be explained. It is the story that challenges the shadow belief that we have control. Robert contracted Covid. Again. Remember, he had it less than a year ago. He’s had two J&J vaxes. A visitor to his roommate brought it in. That ticks me off. The guidelines were so loosened by the CDC that it was, in my book, irresponsible and now the rules have been rolled back to allow visitation for people who have tested negative within twenty-four hours. I finally … Continue reading →

268→Husband Journey: Save

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This post took me more than two days and several drafts. In the middle of the night, or in the shower, in some passive moment when I am not really thinking of anything, obviously deep down there, I am: I wait, then it unfolds. So, today’s blog is about saving. Or about being saved.  Robert, on a Facetime call: “Hello, Snooks,” he  said. I mentioned something about his head. He said, “that’s the important part of me.” I heard a man in his room. An aide was helping his roommate. I could see Robert’s eyes darting, tracking left to right. … Continue reading →

267→Husband Journey: Now, All You Have To Deal With …

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  12/17/21 A visit to Robert. A cyst was found on Robert’s thyroid, that is why the on-site physician wanted to send him to an endocrinologist. I left messages to speak to this physician and we never connected. I canceled the appointment that they told me they had made, and told Rocky, the nurse, that I would not consent unless the doctor spoke with me and unless I had an inkling as to whether Robert’s current condition could possibly improve if he were treated. Which would probably mean surgery. Which could in his case conceivably kill him. The first and … Continue reading →

264→Husband Journey: Cogent

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Sometimes you just don’t want to feel you have to do something. You just want to dump the shoulds and not think about anything. You don’t want to be reminded that you have a husband in a nursing home whose birthday is tomorrow. That because of a fall he has been out of the house for one year. That you have to go and make like everything is fine. Schmear the staff, deal with details. See the man in the bed. Diversion comes easily in these days of Covid: new variants are the unknowns out there that manifest like the boogey-man … Continue reading →

263→Husband Journey: Get Better, Go Home

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  On this day, the day of our son’s birth, Evan took me to visit Robert. One has mixed emotions about days such as this due to timing, association of events, (in this case birthdays) and just plain anxiety. And because, due to rules, Evan was not permitted to come upstairs with me, he opted out and decided he wasn’t going to visit his dad without me.  There have been times when we have been able to circumnavigate the rules and go together but this time was a sensitive time: Evan could not do it. When I arrived upstairs, wearing … Continue reading →

261.→Husband Journey: Arm-or

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    Monday, 10-25 I visited Robert. It was the usual drill. My friend was kind enough to drop me off and wait while I went on my journey. I don’t know if you know how very important it is to me to have that physical and moral support. Each time I go I wonder what I would find. I wonder if will be the last time. I sign in, fill out a form, have my temperature taken electronically, make my way down the long hallway and turn right at the elevator. I breathe deeply into my mask, ascend to … Continue reading →

260.→Husband Journey: Water

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October. The deck, before the wind. …  then a strong wind from the east. Maybe Autumn has begun.   I’ve been visiting my lake. I take in the light, the air, the color, the sounds. The gift of nature soothes the most disturbed of hearts: my heart has been disturbed. It has been redefining itself, slowly accepting of my new, quieter life. I haven’t had the daily stress of caring for another individual for almost a year though I have flailed at the Universe and have been baffled and unsettled by my fate,  like the seasons, I have changed. The … Continue reading →

259.→Husband Journey: In Dreams Begin Responsibilities

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No, I haven’t been to see Robert. It has been over a week. He is as stable as he can be under the circumstances. I didn’t want to go alone, it is too much to bear. I needed someone to go with me but it wasn’t possible. When someone comes and waits in the car I feel like a child who has a left school at 3:00 PM with the day of learning behind me along with its anxieties. I will be swept off into security. The mixed emotions of a school day, and all the unknowns it brings is … Continue reading →

258.→Husband Journey: What He Said

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This is the photo that keeps me going when I visit Robert. I rewind my Universe about ten years.  He was not perfect, believe me he had his flaws, but he could walk. He could talk, He could work. He could shop. He could laugh. He could discuss. He could teach. He could listen to music of his choice. He could drive. He could feed himself. He could get into and out of bed independently. He could use a phone. He could. Now he can’t. Many people do not understand when I try to describe graphically, but with sensitivity, what … Continue reading →

256.→Husband Journey: Resilience

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📌An excellent article about resilience is in The New York Times Several weeks have past and it is time to come back to words.I had been trying to divert myself from life via an on-line digital photography class. Sometimes images are more soothing than verbal ideations. Sometimes we have to be, well, non-verbal. But don’t worry, I yak to friends on the phone in my effort to make sense of my world, as well as your world. For weeks I had Robert on one side of my brain: that is ongoing. However, I didn’t see him for two weeks in … Continue reading →

255.→Husband Journey: On Loss, Dreams, and Old Fashioned Moments

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Well, friends, it has been a while. My words went silent and sunk into feelings. Drowning in feelings. There is Robert to think about and those thoughts are now competing with other thoughts that are filled with anxiety about my upcoming surgery. I remind myself, between episodes of heart palpitations, that people who surround me have been flooding me with offers of escorting me back and forth, that I should not worry, that things will fall into place, that people care and they have formed a loving village. That calms me for a few minutes and then the fear ramps … Continue reading →

254.→Husband Journey: Cells (Blogging for Breast Cancer#21)

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So, dear friends, it has been a while and there has been a lot going on which has stretched me thin. This will be a two-part blog, the second being under a new category, or rather an old one; please be patient. Today’s theme came to me after I took Robert’s little, old, flip phone and turned it on. It’s a small device that he had for many years, not wanting to give it up for anything more complicated. It booted up, still worked fine as it sat in my hand. A cell phone. A device used for linking people, … Continue reading →

253.→Husband Journey: Moments

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When I visit Robert I hope for a spark, something to prove that he is still present. During my last visit I went into my usual soliloquy: I do my late night TV-type monologue and wonder how Johnny Carson survived for so many years. It ain’t easy. The visitor feels compelled to keep a conversation going when there is no one to converse with. Robert hasn’t initiated conversation in months. Apparently, that part of his brain is unable to latch on to the words he might want to say. He doesn’t ask for anything. He is no longer moved for visits. … Continue reading →

252.→Husband Journey: Didn’t It Blow Your Mind

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Didn’t It Blow Your Mind The house has been silent for months. There would always be something playing from any and every genre. I needed to go back to the past to get out of the present. To dance like no one was watching. To get that vibe that gave me the chills and sent me flying. So, I was Grazing in the Grass with The Friends of Distinction, and for a moment I was young again. The flashback is thus: I am living on Laconia Avenue in the Bronx. It is a semi-attached house and my neighbors, Anna and … Continue reading →

251.→Husband Journey: How to be a Hero

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Friends, many of you have told me that I am your hero! That I inspire you. That I give your courage. That you can’t believe I am going through the second major loss in my life since November when my 102-year-old mother passed. And that shortly after, Robert had his first major fall and has not been home since. You’ve followed my blogs. You’ve left comments privately and publicly. You don’t know  “how I do it.” Here’s a window into my world: Prepare yourself by losing your first spouse at age 26 after years of his illness, his going in … Continue reading →

250.→Husband Journey: Missing

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So, here we are, room 213B. Robert’s room looks out on the nurse’s station. The nurse’s station keeps an eye on him as he fell out of bed three times in the past.  I caught it at a moment when the hustle and bustle had died down. Where was everyone? It is not quiet, never quiet. There is always beeping or chatter or laughing, always a din that lives in the walls and invades sleep and rest, but, eventually, the patients become immune, deafened like they’ve never heard it and the visitor’s nerves remain jangled, and will never get used … Continue reading →

249.→Husband Journey: Distraction

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  I live on and off the TV screen In the evenings to escape from the days filled with phone calls and fear, I unplug and binge-watch something, anything, as long as I am hooked. It is my safe time: daily life facts are buried, what-ifs and anxiety are temporarily left behind. I have lost my connection to reality moving into the world of the royals (The Crown), Ginny and Georgia (incredible story)…I watched the new Mad About You and wondered what happened to Helen Hunt…Apparently she had been in a car accident…The Kominsky method made me laugh. And there … Continue reading →