Part 45: Background Music
Since I last spoke to you, my friends, I have been consumed by the usual deluge of details. I spent several days on the phone and computer trying to make sense of possible placements for my mother. I made an appointment for this Wednesday to visit “am affordable assisted living” on Long Island. I have an appointment with an elder attorney on Friday. I made lists and lists of nursing homes in the area. Then I remembered what a friend said last week when I was describing the situation which is that my mother currently resides in an assisted living facility in Florida as an independent resident. She gets her meals and cleaning and laundry services but does not participate in anything else the facility has to offer. She is on no “level of care, as she has a private aide who takes care of everything. He said, “It sounds like your mother has the perfect set-up the way she is.” I realized that is correct and it was actually helpful to hear that. She isn’t sick she is just frail and weak. She would be miserable in a nursing home sharing a room and being around ill people with dementia. She wants to maintain her independence but realizes that she does need help. I started to push the nursing home lists aside and to focus on senior living facilities and apartments.
Today I visited a facility that was a distance away in the Bronx which is mainly a nursing home. The grounds were impressive, overlooking the Hudson River, punctuated by outdoor sculptures. Indoors there were art exhibits, dioramas of the immigrant population of the Lower East Side of Manhattan, (where we lived), cages of birds, huge tanks of exotic fish. It was overwhelming, exquisite, exciting. And then I saw the various nursing floors and my heart sank. (No photos allowed)
My mother would never be able to cope with this medical model. With each floor we saw, and the more I internalized, I knew this place was not for her. If my mother were able to get into their “assisted living” floor, and afford it, she could get away from the medical model and would end up in something like a bedroom/motel–and modest one at that, type of room. In Florida she has a lovely apartment, this would not only be a step down but there was something cold and lonely about this place. Oh right…I forgot… her lovely apartment in Florida had rats.
The next stop was also in the Bronx, again a distance away but a lot closer to me than Florida. It was more citified, not gorgeous on the outside, but the inside had heart and the young woman who gave us the tour was knowledgeable, warm and insightful. This is in essence senior housing, an apartment building that serves meals, provides activities and housekeeping. There are many amenities even though my mother would likely never make use of them. She’d have her on-site beauty parlor and there were doctors right there in the building. There was the possibility of a one bedroom apartment with a balcony like she has now but it was kind of overkill. The studios were lovely. One could try the place out for thirty days in an adorable furnished apartment. There was an option to take one of those furnished studios and purchase the furnishings and be done with it–no moving necessary or shopping needed. This place seemed more flexible. My mother could still have an aide stay with her if need be. The bottom line is: could she afford it?
There is something called “community Medicaid” where one could get subsidized housing and assistance if in an assisted living. Because this is not an assisted living, the only possible provision is for a few hours of an aide but the rent would not be subsidized. Therefore she would need to make up the difference out of pocket and that will likely be close to what she is spending now. Can she do this? Hopefully the visit to the elder attorney will fill in the gaps. And hopefully she will be able to apply for her long awaited benefits from the Veteran’s Administration. And she will be relatively nearby.
I felt good about this second place, it was more manageable, warmer, homier. And while rounding a corner I met a dear colleague who was there with her husband visiting his father. Could this have been a sign?
The great Jimmy Heath
Rewind to last night. I got out for a bit over the weekend to hear Jimmy Heath and the Queens Jazz Orchestra. Jimmy is eighty-six and still swinging, and is teaching at Queens College at The Aaron Copeland School of Music. His passion and energy never cease to amaze me.
But everywhere I go there are always those gnawing thoughts and what-if’s playing in the background, distracting me. It’s like tinnitus: you hear that whooshing, steam-pipe, high frequency, mosquito-buzz when it is quiet, but it became loud enough to poke me during the blare of the concert’s brass. The what-if’s are with me while I am awake and while I am asleep. I just want to slap that mosquito silly and make it go splat once and for all. But when I see and hear Jimmy Heath play it’s one of the best distractions.
Getting back to today, for the first time in a long time I was starved, probably because I was beginning to feel more hopeful. What better way to celebrate than with corned beef and pastrami at a Kosher Deli in the Bronx?
This time the background music wasn’t in my head. It was sweet nostalgia playing against cole slaw and pickles. It was my music, coming from piped-in Sirius radio, bringing me back to my early years, quieting my nerves, calming my thoughts with the sounds of innocence, well before nursing homes were in my vocabulary.
Finally the mosquito was silent. If only for a moment.
Click to play
The Moon Glows/We Go Together
This series is linked: see “continued here.” Also, below the line there will be links for the previous post and the next.
My horoscope:
You want to believe that there is a correct path amongst the many, but it appears that there are even more possibilities than you initially realized. You are intrigued with all the different scenarios, yet picking one over the others becomes a daunting task. Don’t get lulled into thinking that you must do something definitive today. Wait for the most sensible course of action to surface, even if it takes another day or two. In the meantime, explore your options with an open heart.
Sigh!